Having a sudden aversion toward someone is confusing at best. Whether you've experienced an unexplainable icky feeling in your romantic endeavors or heard tales from friends about their sudden dating turn-offs, this relationship phenomenon is all too common.  

So, what’s “the ick” exactly, and why does it happen?

Let’s unpack all things ick factor to help you get to the bottom of your feelings and find a way forward.  

What’s the ick?  

This term represents the feeling you get when you're dating or getting to know someone and suddenly realize how unattractive or cringey they are. Credit goes to Ally McBeal (played by Calista Flockhart) for first uttering the phrase “the ick” on ‘90s prime-time television while describing a romantic interest gone sour. 

This strong gut reaction goes beyond simple disgust. It's a revulsion, often triggered by something someone does or even their physical appearance, presence, or values. Experiencing the ick doesn't mean the person you're turned off by did something wrong, though. Sometimes, it comes down to personal or even atypical preferences, like a dislike for a particular cologne or an aversion to mustaches. 

Here's a common icks examples list:  

• Pet names: Having someone constantly call you “honey” or “babe” can quickly turn from endearing to totally annoying. 

• Social media oversharing: When your date or partner broadcasts every detail of their life in their Instagram Stories, this can be a turn-off, especially if you deeply value privacy.  

• Rude table manners: Whether they’re slurping soup, chewing with an open mouth, or being rude to staff, watching someone’s bad behavior at the table can be unexpectedly jarring. 

• Smelling bad: Is anything worse than trying to sex up someone who has bad breath or hasn't showered? Enough said.

• Random offputting characteristics: Little details, like not vibing with someone's outfit choices or hating their favorite band, might indicate a lack of common ground and make you cringe when you’re around that person.  

Why do we get the ick? 

People might feel ickiness toward someone they’re seeing for a variety of reasons, like bad habits or incompatible beliefs. This sudden gut feeling can feel superficial, but it often stems from deeper, underlying issues, either with your personal preferences or in your relationship. Here are a few common reasons behind the ick:  

• Mismatched values or priorities: A substantial or emerging clash in core values or life priorities can cause you to question your lifestyle and sexual compatibility with your partner, triggering the ick. This can include differing views on things like parenting and other non-negotiable relationship issues. 

• Behavioral red flags: Witnessing a concerning or completely unacceptable red flag in a partner can change how you perceive them. This can include any deal breaker, like being unkind or disrespectful, using drugs, or being abusive. 

• Inauthenticity: Discovering your partner isn’t genuine or authentic can be a major turn-off. Authenticity is critical to effective communication in relationships, and pretense can lead to a loss of trust that triggers the ick. 

• Less attraction: Sometimes, the spark in a relationship fades due to physical changes, life stress, or dwindling emotional connection. Not feeling sexually or generally attracted to your partner can easily give you the ick toward them. 

Main signs you've caught the ick 

Experiencing the ick isn't always a sign of a doomed relationship. While this feeling typically happens earlier in relationships in the getting-to-know-each-other phase, it’s still possible to get a case of the ick after a longer time period.  

Whether you think you have the ick in a long-term relationship or with a new partner, these three signs will help you identify it:  

1. Less communication  

When you're hit with the ick, you want to communicate less. All of a sudden, those lively chats that once lit up your day feel like a chore. You're taking longer to answer their texts, and you're not excited to pick up their calls. The banter that flowed so freely feels forced, and you might be justifying why you need to keep talking to them. Not wanting to stay connected with them points to the ick.  

2. Avoiding intimate topics  

One of the more subtle signs of the ick is steering clear of heart-to-heart conversations — the ones about your feelings, the future, and everything in between. If the idea of opening up about your innermost thoughts suddenly seems gross or weird, you feel embarrassed by the idea of revealing yourself to this person, or you feel like there's a new mental block preventing you from discussing intimate topics with them, you might have the ick.  

3. Critical focus on flaws 

Everyone has their quirks, and in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, these quirks can seem cute. That said, when the ick creeps in, it's like holding a magnifying glass up to your partner's flaws, forcing you to think about how much you hate how they chew or phrase their texts. 

If this is the case, your date or partner hasn't changed, but your perception of them certainly has. You might nitpick things you've never considered, roll your eyes at their thoughts or actions, or feel like you want to scream when they hold your hand wrong. This hyper-critical lens is a clear-cut sign of the ick.  

How to get rid of the ick   

Feeling the ick doesn't always mean the relationship is over (unless you want it to be). If you're feeling put off by your partner but want to see it through and come out stronger on the other side, these four tips might help:  

1. Reflect on your feelings 

Take a step back and think about why you're feeling the ick. Is it something specific the person said or did, or a more general feeling? Whatever the reason, whether it's an old issue from your last relationship or something new your partner just started doing, getting to the root of your discomfort can help. 

2. Focus on the good stuff 

It's easy to get caught up in the negatives, but try to remember what you like about your partner and why you're with them in the first place. Reminding yourself of all their positive qualities can help balance out the ick.   

3. Try something new 

A relationship gone stale might lead partners to develop a serious case of the ick. Bring back the excitement by doing something fun together. Consider taking a weekend road trip, trying a new restaurant, or even starting a new hobby for a revitalizing change of pace.  

4. Talk to a professional 

If the ick is sticking around and you don't want to leave the relationship, speak with a dating coach or therapist. They can offer insights and help you work through your feelings alone and alongside your partner.  

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