You’re in the heat of the moment and say “Don’t stop!” — but your partner stops anyway. 

If you’re not familiar with the concept of a ruined orgasm, this scenario might sound like a disappointment. The finish line is one of the best parts of sex, so why ruin it? But it’s a kink that many BDSM lovers practice for its unique sensations and power play.

What's a ruined orgasm, exactly, and how does it feel? Let's find out.

What is a ruined orgasm? 

Some people get off on not getting off. It’s common in the BDSM community, but you don't have to be into the rough stuff to like this kink. 

Ruined orgasms are a unique dynamic where a dominant or "top" partner brings a submissive or "bottom" partner right to climax, then intentionally disrupts it. This can happen right before or during orgasm, and the result is a less intense, partial orgasm. It's a 2/10 feeling compared to the 11/10 feeling you might be used to. 

Ruined orgasms can also occur unintentionally during everyday sex. Imagine being on the cusp of an orgasm that's suddenly interrupted by a dog barking, a phone call, or an unexpected visitor. That's a ruined orgasm, too. 

What does a ruined orgasm feel like?

Ruined orgasms are hard to describe because — like all types of orgasms — the feeling’s unique to everyone. It’s like the orgasm you’re used to, but with a less intense release. 

Physically, a ruined orgasm can feel like "blue balls." You've almost reached a peak and then been pulled back from it, leading to an orgasm that feels different, dulled down, and even a bit painful. Frustration and disappointment are common emotions here, and some people enjoy adding elements of humiliation. Feelings of vulnerability and embarrassment are also typical, and all are normal. 

Some people enjoy giving ruined orgasms, some enjoy receiving ruined orgasms, and others like both. This type of kink is more common than you might think and results in a mix of physical and emotional sensations some find incredibly arousing, similar to teasing and pleasure denial. It’s about letting someone else control your pleasure and your feelings.

How to have a ruined orgasm: 5 tips

When it comes to this kind of orgasm, the journey is as important as the act itself, with anticipation and restraint upping the arousal ante. When experimenting with any kink, especially for the first time, remember that mutual respect and understanding are cornerstones of healthy sexual experiences. 

Follow these steps to have or give a ruined orgasm:  

1. Prioritize communication and consent  

Have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Establish enthusiastic consent and discuss your boundaries. This creates a safe and trusting environment where both partners feel comfortable and safe exploring their desires. 

2. Use a safe word or signal  

Having a safe word or signal is key for ruined orgasm play, especially in BDSM scenes. This is a mutually agreed upon cue that either partner can use to immediately stop all sexual activity. It's a valuable tool for maintaining safety and comfort during power play, so don't go without it. 

Try a particular series of taps, like three in a row, or a word you don't usually use during sex, like "pineapple" or "red light." You and your partner might also choose words as positive signals — for example, you could decide that “Don’t stop!” actually means “Ruin my orgasm, please!”

3. Get educated 

Do some research before attempting to experience or give a ruined orgasm. Read up on the dynamics involved in ruined orgasm play and in dominant/submissive relationships to better understand how they work and why you and your partner might enjoy them. This isn’t the time to go in without any knowledge — the more you learn, the more prepared and safe you’ll be.

4. Tease your partner  

A successful ruined orgasm is all about the build-up (and the letdown). In the moment, tease your partner slowly during foreplay to increase the sexual tension. Keep them on edge by repeatedly starting and stopping the action, heightening their anticipation and desire. And remember, communication doesn’t stop when sex starts.

5. Time it right  

Perfect timing is essential for a ruined orgasm. Stop all stimulation right as your partner is starting to come, and watch for signs of discomfort or displeasure, emotionally and physically. To do it correctly, you must cease all activity right as your partner gets on the path of no return. It might take practice to get the timing right (oh no, you have to have more sex).

Are there side effects or risks of forced orgasms? 

Ruined orgasms are physically low-risk, especially compared to many other activities like choking or spanking. That said, it's still important to be aware of the potential side effects of ruined orgasms, including emotional and mental experiences like discomfort, light pain, frustration, and a sense of emotional release. 

In some cases, achieving a ruined orgasm involves elements like impact play or intense overstimulation with sex toys. This can cause mild pain and pressure, which is why it's essential for everyone involved to be on the same page and aware of each other's limits. 

Open communication is critical for navigating all types of sexual intimacy, including ruined orgasms. It creates a shared understanding and respect for each other's boundaries that makes sex more satisfying and more fun.

Is a ruined orgasm the same as edging, a forced orgasm, or orgasm denial? 

Along with ruined orgasms, edging, forced orgasms, and orgasm denial all manipulate the arc of climax — but they're not one and the same. While each offers a unique spin on the kink of overall orgasm control and shares a common power play dynamic, the experiences and outcomes of these sexual practices are distinctly different. 

Edging 

Edging is bringing yourself or your partner right to the brink of orgasm, stopping stimulation, and then repeating. The key difference between edging and a ruined orgasm is in the intensity of the resulting orgasm, as edging leads to explosive, intense Os instead of diminished satisfaction. The goal is to have a better orgasm at the end of it all, not a worse one. 

Orgasm denial 

In orgasm denial, the dominant person consistently postpones orgasm for the submissive. This sex act, common in BDSM, creates a prolonged state of sexual tension without release or ejaculation, maintaining continuous anticipation. Unlike a ruined orgasm, which results in a subdued climax, orgasm denial is a longer-term arousal game without the payoff of a traditional orgasm.  

Forced orgasm 

Forced orgasm, or orgasm punishment, is another common BDSM-leaning kink. It involves compelling or "forcing" a submissive partner to climax (with consent), sometimes in scenarios involving controlled helplessness or restraint. The submissive partner typically orgasms multiple times beyond satisfaction, which is much different from the abrupt stop of a ruined orgasm. Forced orgasms are often intense, overwhelming, and driven by continuous stimulation. 

Discover your sexuality with Quinn  

Exploring your kinks, to orgasm control and beyond, is exciting and, with consent and boundaries, can be part of a healthy sex life and relationship. 

Learning more about what makes you tick in the bedroom is where Quinn comes in. Quinn's audio erotica platform was created by women, for the world. It's an intimate, safe space for you to have new experiences and listen to erotic stories about your sexual fantasies and desires.  

To give it a try, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android and browse thousands of narrated sex stories, guided masturbation sessions, and playlists.