Everyone needs alone time.

If you're craving a little time away from your partner, it doesn't mean something is wrong or that you don’t care about them anymore. Needing some distance is actually a common sentiment that pops up frequently in long-term partnerships and marriages. Sometimes, you need a moment to yourself to breathe and regroup, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Taking space in a relationship is a bit like hitting the refresh button. After all, distance can (and does) make the heart grow fonder. 

What does space in a romantic relationship actually mean?

Needing space in a relationship isn't always about physical distance or taking a break from commitment (although sometimes it can be). 

Often, taking space is really about acknowledging the need for a better balance between individuality and togetherness. While closeness and intimacy are essential aspects of a healthy relationship, people in long-term partnerships can feel suffocated if their and their loved one’s identities seem to merge into one. 

Feeling like you’re disappearing into your partner is an uncomfortable sensation. In many cases, needing space stems from a desire for a healthy equilibrium between “me” and “us.”

Asking for a little space from them can help you reduce clinginess and reclaim your individuality. 

 Taking a step back allows you to breathe, reflect, and reconnect with yourself, which in turn can strengthen your bond with your partner. 

Why space is important in a relationship 

Taking space in a relationship doesn't automatically mean you and your partner are on the rocks. It’s healthy to have room to nurture your own friendships and hobbies. Establishing boundaries between what’s yours and what’s theirs is essential to maintaining a sustainable long-term connection. 

Here's why:

• Prompting personal growth: Spending time exploring your own interests helps you learn more about yourself, improving your self-awareness and confidence. That growth can make it back to your partner and benefit your relationship. 

• Maintaining independence: Retaining your autonomy can help prevent you from feeling lost or consumed by your partnership. Remember that a strong relationship is two unique individuals navigating life together, not two halves combining to make a whole.

• Reducing dependency: Relying on your partner for too much can cause strain and conflict. Taking space encourages self-sufficiency and serves as a reminder that both partners can do things competently on their own.

• Encouraging appreciation: Time apart can prompt you to appreciate your partner more. With some space, you can better reflect on your partner's wonderful qualities and quirks, which likely made you fall for them in the first place. 

• Preventing burnout: Continuous closeness without a break can sometimes lead you to take each other for granted or develop unhealthy expectations for closeness. Space can refresh and reset those relationship dynamics so you can go back to treating each other well. 

• Promoting communication: Taking a step back to reflect and process your feelings on a difficult subject empowers you to approach conversations with a level head. Adding a relationship therapist into the mix who can help the two of you set and maintain boundaries can also help you learn how to communicate in a healthy way.

How to ask for space in a relationship 

Asking for space from your partner can feel scary, especially if someone has trust issues. But, if you need to step back, it's an important conversation to have. Remember: Taking and giving space in a relationship actually promotes appreciation and communication and boosts independence, which are non-negotiables for long-term happiness. 

If you're gearing up to broach the topic with your partner, here's how to navigate the talk:

1. Define what space means to you 

Start the conversation by clarifying what "space" means to you. This could be anything from texting less frequently and having more alone time for self-care to staying at each other's places less often. 

Setting this definition helps eliminate any misconceptions your partner might have about what you’re hoping to achieve by taking space. Your needs and feelings are always valid, so communicate them honestly. 

2. Use personal reflections

Using "I" statements when expressing your need for space ensures the conversation centers around your feelings and needs, minimizing the likelihood of your partner perceiving it as a personal slight. 

For instance, stating, “I find solitude rejuvenating and realize I need more time to recharge independently,” or “I feel a bit consumed by daily texting and need to dial it back for my well-being,” provides a clear understanding of your emotional state without attributing blame or dissatisfaction to your partner. 

This method not only conveys your personal needs respectfully but also mitigates potential defensiveness from your partner, fostering a safe space for open, constructive dialogue within your relationship.

3. Seek mutual understanding 

Ask your partner what they need and work to reach an agreement. It's less about getting every condition right and more about aligning your expectations to understand each other better. If you want four nights to yourself weekly and they only want two, consider compromising at three.

4. Consider yourselves as individuals first 

You and your partner are unique individuals who had separate lives before the relationship began. Honoring your uniqueness and individuality is pivotal for sustaining a healthy bond. 

Both you and your partner bring distinct qualities, passions, and experiences to the relationship, which you should celebrate. Don’t neglect to engage in activities that fuel your personal joy and development. For instance, if one partner is an avid runner, they deserve time and space to continue their hobby. 

By nurturing these individual pursuits, you’re contributing to your own well-being and enriching the relationship with fresh experiences and insights to share with each other.

Maintaining space in your relationship

Once you've established a comfortable distance in your relationship, maintaining it can be challenging, especially for codependent partners. Here's how to keep that much-needed space without compromising emotional intimacy with your partner:

Prioritize time to yourself 

Once you ask for space, you have to follow through. Add your solo time to your calendar, and don't let anything interfere.

“Me time” should be interruption-free, providing a safe space for individuality and self-care. Whether you’re savoring an evening enveloped in a series your partner doesn’t fancy, delving into a compelling book, or indulging in a cherished hobby, these moments are crucial for personal rejuvenation. 

Communicate with your partner

Engage in heartfelt dialogues with your partner and maintain an open and transparent channel of communication that facilitates mutual understanding. Discussing your need for personal space shouldn’t only be a declaration of your own needs but also an empathetic inquiry into your partner's feelings and perspectives. 

Talk about your experiences during your personal time and encourage your partner to do the same. This bridge of communication can safeguard against misunderstandings, preserving the integrity of your partnership among the ebbs and flows of individual space.

Identify your boundaries and non-negotiables 

Identify what you need to maintain your mental health while feeling loved and supported, and communicate this to your partner. Your relationship non-negotiables might include quality time to yourself on certain days of the week, activities for you to do on your own, or even a dedicated room in your shared home for your hobbies where you can close the door and unwind. 

It’s crucial that both partners respect these boundaries, which means you need to understand your partner’s non-negotiables, too. You may be in a toxic relationship if your partner refuses to acknowledge or abide by your limitations.

Get to know yourself better with Quinn 

If you're taking space in your relationship, why not pursue some self-love? 

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