Everyone has a different idea of what love is. 

While there's a preconceived warm-and-fuzzy notion that most people understand, the way you prefer to give and receive it affects your relationships, too. This preference is called your love language, meaning everyone has different ways of communicating love. It’s all about how you like to show and receive affection with your friends, family, and partners.

So, what are the love languages, exactly? 

Understanding love languages 

The love languages theory of modern relationships was popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman, who published a book called The 5 Love Languages in the 1990s. The idea that people express devotion differently was groundbreaking at the time, and it led to much discussion both in psychology and between couples.

Today, it's not uncommon to hear people discuss their love languages within the context of a platonic or romantic relationship. Some people identify with just one language, and others with many. It’s not an exact science, and it isn’t supposed to be — the goal is to categorize your feelings as best you can and communicate them with the people around you, not diagnose yourself. The aim of love languages is to identify how you prefer to express and receive affection. 

This concept isn't just a trend. It's an authentic way to understand and empathize with each other. When you know your love language, you can integrate it into daily interactions and foster deeper connections with the people you care about.

Love languages list: What are the 5 love languages? 

Humans give and receive emotion in diverse ways, whether that’s saying “I love you” or spending Sunday nights watching your favorite show together. Your love language can dictate everything from how you prefer to be validated and supported emotionally to how you like your partner to initiate sex. It’s a unique window into your identity and supports healthy relationships that acknowledge and appreciate the differences between you. 

Here's a detailed look at each of the five languages: 

1. Words of affirmation 

Words hold immense power for some people. This love language is all about hearing verbal affirmation, from a simple "I'm proud of you" to "You mean a lot to me." People thrive on verbal acknowledgments of affection, including frequent compliments, morning text messages, and deep conversations.

2. Acts of service 

Do you feel extra fondness when your partner or friend cooks you a great meal, fills your gas tank, or tidies the living room? Actions are the key to appreciating people with the acts of service love language. It's about people easing your workload or doing something thoughtful and considerate, which means those with this language are particularly opposed to broken commitments. 

3. Physical touch 

Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for affection — but for some, it’s especially meaningful. From touches on the arm, cuddling up on the couch or in bed, or spending extra time on foreplay, this love language isn't just about intimacy. Physical touch is deeply affirming and can be especially important in times of emergency, crisis, or grief. 

4. Quality time

Quality time is all about undivided attention. If your friend, family member, or partner making space and time for you in their day is a relationship non-negotiable for you, chances are, this is your love language. 

While it doesn't mean the other person has to pause their entire life, showing up for you is crucial. That can look like weekend getaways, binge-watching TV shows, or working on a shared hobby without distractions. Sometimes just being side by side is enough.

5. Gifts 

Gift-giving isn’t about greed. This language is about the symbolic thoughtfulness of the gift, and it can be anything from your favorite chocolate bar to a new sex toy to use together. Birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays might mean more to you than others, and a forgotten or fumbled special occasion might feel especially hurtful. 

How to identify your love language

Think about those moments that made you feel truly on top of the world. Was it a sweet note, spending the whole day with someone, or an extended hug? The answer to this question should tell you what you need to know to figure out your primary love language and any others that are important to you. 

It can also be helpful to think about what bums you out the most in your relationships. This could be missed plans, fewer kisses or less sex than usual, or someone failing to take out the trash. This is another window into how you love and prefer to be loved — and it can reveal whether or not you have a different language than someone you care about.

Identifying your love language can be a game-changer for your relationships because it gives you the right words to express your needs. When you and a partner both know your language, you can focus on showing up for each other. 

When in doubt, there’s an official love language quiz you can take online for free. It’s a great rainy day activity to do with a partner and spark a conversation about what affection and respect look like for you.

What the love languages can look like

If you need a little more help figuring things out, these scenarios might do the trick. See which of these sounds most like you and how you interact with partners and friends: 

Words of affirmation 

• You adore receiving a random text that says something like ”Thinking about you.” 

• Whether it's about your cooking or work prowess, unexpected compliments leave you feeling like you won the jackpot.

• You tell people you love them all the time and appreciate hearing it back.

Quality time 

• Those cozy nights at home with your partner, with just a movie and no distractions, are your favorite. 

• You feel emotional when someone close to you sets aside special time to be together, like spontaneous lunch dates or staycations, despite their busy schedule. 

• You feel extra hurt when someone cancels on you or is hard to make plans with.

Acts of service

• Coming home to find out your partner or friend has made dinner, planned a date night, or walked the dog when it's usually your job feels like magic. 

• You feel seen when someone gets that tricky stain out of your shirt without asking. It's a small thing that says they care. 

Gifts 

• It's not about the price tag. It's about the thought behind the random snack they got because it made them think of you or the trinket from their trip.

• You keep concert stubs, seashells, and other tokens to remind you of shared memories.

• You go all out for holidays and birthdays.

Physical touch 

• Long-distance relationships are extra hard for you because you miss touching your partner.

• Everything feels right in the world when you're wrapped up in a bear hug or sharing a quiet cuddle together. 

• You cherish those pecks on the forehead and hand squeezes in public. They make you feel grounded in your relationship. 

• When you want to show devotion, you do it with a touch on the arm or other part of the body.

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