For some people in the dating scene, being smart is a major pull. 

It's so important that intelligence is among the top three traits people seek in a partner — and that makes sense. But for some, this preference goes beyond admiration to necessity. That's what being sapiosexual is all about. 

If you're sapiosexual, meaning you're sexually attracted to intelligence, you get extra turned on by brilliant minds. You may also enjoy emotional (and physical) connection, but you need the challenge of an intellectual partner to want to get it on.

What is being sapiosexual?

“Sapiosexual” is rooted in the Latin word “sapere,” meaning “to be wise.” It describes people who are primarily sexually attracted to intelligence. While many people are understandably attracted to the power, wealth, and status associated with intellectualism, sapiosexuals are into the intellect itself. It's a kind of sexual chemistry sparked by intellectual debates, education, and thoughtful insights about the world.

This unique preference highlights mental stimulation as a key factor in sexual arousal. Unlike traditional orientations that center on gender — like homosexuality and heterosexuality — sapiosexuality focuses on being attracted to people's minds. But it can coexist with other sexual orientations and gender identities. For example, someone can identify as pansexual and sapiosexual, polyamorous and sapiosexual, or nonbinary, demiromantic, and sapiosexual, all at the same time. 

While some people recognize sapiosexuality as a distinct sexual orientation, others see it as a sexual fetish or preference. No matter how you feel about it, identifying as sapiosexual is growing in popularity. Some dating apps have even put it as an identification option on people’s profiles, so it’s here to stay.

Is sapiosexuality a real thing?

To make a long story short, yes, sapiosexuality is real. But there are some controversies behind it. Some say it excludes people who aren’t “intelligent,” blocking those with learning disabilities or other differences from a sapiosexual’s entire dating pool. And judging people by their IQ instead of their actual personality traits might not be the best way to find a match. 

This isn’t to say all sapiosexuals are ableist or judgmental. Everyone has preferences, and you can’t help it if you aren’t sexually attracted to someone — whether you identify as sapiosexual or not. Just don’t let sapiosexuality close you off or cause you to make snap judgments. 

6 signs you're sapiosexual

Sapiosexuality can mean different things to different people. For some, high intelligence in a partner is an absolute prerequisite for sexual activity. For others, it's strongly preferred, but they'll still engage in sex without it in some situations. 

Not sure if you're sapiosexual? Identity is all about how you feel, so if you think you’re sapiosexual, you are — and the other way around. But if you’re not sure if it really fits your feelings, review this quick list: 

1. You love deep talks: If you're sapiosexual, chances are you crave conversations that explore complex topics or abstract ideas. You find sexual attraction and connection in intellectually rich exchanges.

2. You prefer brains over brawn: Some people love a fit physique, but to you, correct grammar and a high IQ trump a sculpted body any day. If you're more captivated by this trait and a person's thoughts, beliefs, and passions than their physical attributes, you might be sapiosexual.

3. You're turned on by emotional intelligence: You're drawn to people who understand their own emotions and can navigate yours in a sensitive, helpful way. Another person's ability to read a room, engage in meaningful emotional dialogue, and empathize with others is desirable to you.

4. You prefer bookstores and museums to bars and clubs: While many prefer loud, bustling social scenes for a first date, you'd instead do something that allows you to talk. Quiet settings with minimal distractions are your top choices for getting together.

5. You need intellectual stimulation: When you date someone who doesn't stimulate you intellectually, they bore you fast, even if they tick your other boxes. That mental spark is like foreplay to you. 

6. You love challenging conversations: Your love language is intellectual challenge, and smart partners do just that. You prefer engaging with people who offer new perspectives and friendly debates. 

Sapiosexuality and relationships 

If you or your partner are sapiosexual, your relationship may heavily rely on intellectual connection. Deep, stimulating conversations are critical to your intimacy and arousal, and mentally engaging activities may be a primary focus when you spend time together. This focus on intellect means that dates involve quiet nights on the couch, discussing your latest interests, or trips to intimate, ambient locations where you can have time together one-on-one. And when it comes to your sex life, you might need lots of conversation before the clothes come off.

While sapiosexuals often date other sapiosexuals, your preference for intelligence can put pressure on non-sapio partners. If you're involved with someone who doesn't prioritize intellectual pursuits or isn't sexually attracted to brains over brawn the way you are, communicating openly can help you both meet each other’s needs.

Where to meet sapiosexual people 

Finding like-minded people can be challenging when you're sapiosexual, but it's easier when you know where to look. If you thrive on mental stimulation, try these hotspots: 

• The internet: From an online dating app to social media, online courses, and forums dedicated to specific hobbies and interests, the internet provides a range of ways to connect with like-minded people. Try joining a meet-up group or a dating app that lets you indicate sapiosexuality in your profile, like Feeld. 

• The library: The library is a classic but effective choice for meeting other people who value knowledge and learning. Wander the aisle and strike up a conversation if you see someone reading something interesting. 

• Through friends: When it comes to dating, your social network can be a great resource. A friend of a friend might be your brilliant match, so don't be shy about letting your friends know who and what you're interested in.

• At restaurants or coffee shops: Take yourself out on a date, and you might meet someone who shares your tastes. Your favorite restaurant or coffee shop is a comfortable setting for intellectual conversation and getting to know someone's mind. 

• While doing what you love: Love yoga, museums, or theatre? Pursuing your own interests can help you meet people who like the same things, providing an excellent foundation for sapiosexual connections. 

Sapiophile versus sapiosexual 

The terms "sapiophile" and "sapiosexual" are sometimes used interchangeably, but they actually have different meanings. While both terms refer to an attraction to intelligence, they differ in the nature of the attraction — namely, romantic versus sexual. 

A sapiophile is someone who finds intelligence generally attractive. This attraction is primarily romantic or emotional. A sapiosexual, on the other hand, is sexually attracted to people with high intelligence, and it’s a key factor in their arousal and desire. So, while both sapiophiles and sapiosexuals are attracted to intelligence, the difference lies in whether they're forming emotional connections or sexual ones. 

Join Quinn's inclusive community

Quinn, an audio erotica app created by women for everyone, is an inclusive space. We respect and celebrate all shapes and sizes of sexual orientations and identities — and our ethical audio stories can feed your intellectual drive. 

To explore Quinn's narrated sex stories, guided masturbation sessions, playlists, and more, recorded by skilled creators, download the app for iOS or Android.