There’s a common sentiment among straight women frustrated with the dating scene: “I wish I were gay.”

A statement like this isn’t just dismissive of the discrimination queer people often face — it also falsely suggests that dating is a breeze when you’re a woman who loves women (WLW). 

Queer women are complex individuals, just like people of every other gender and sexuality. WLW relationships can be beautiful and fulfilling, but they come with unique joys and challenges, including some obstacles heterosexual couples would never understand.

Whether you’re still anxiously awaiting your first lesbian experience or you’ve had your fair share of LGBTQ+ encounters, there’s one thing you’ve probably learned about pursuing relationships as a lesbian: Dating advice isn’t one-size-fits-all. 

Luckily, no one loves women more than Quinn. We’re tireless champions of healthy relationships — romantic, sexual, or otherwise — so we’re here with all the tips you need to find success on the lesbian dating scene.

9 essential lesbian dating tips

Your lesbian dating journey will be as unique as you are, so think of this relationship advice as a starting point, not a set of hard-and-fast rules. What’s most important is that you treat yourself and others with kindness and respect. Set that foundation and you’ll be well on your way to the healthy relationships of your dreams — with a few extra tips to pave the way.

1. Learn the lingo

If you’re new to the lesbian dating scene, familiarize yourself with the range of terms and labels individuals might use to describe their identities, experiences, and relationship dynamics. These include:

• Butch: A lesbian with a masculine energy or aesthetic

• Femme: A lesbian with a feminine energy or aesthetic

• Lipstick lesbian: A femme lesbian with a glamorous style

• Stud/ag: A Black or Latina butch lesbian

• Boi: A boyish lesbian; in BDSM, “boi” refers to a submissive butch

• U-Haul lesbians: A lesbian couple who moves in together too quickly

• Gold star lesbian: A lesbian who’s never had sex with a man

• Sapphic: Someone who identifies as female or nonbinary who’s attracted to other female or female-identifying people

• QWOC: A queer woman of color

These terms are just the basics. Once you scratch the surface, you’ll find increasingly specific slang — like chapstick lesbian (somewhere between lipstick lesbian and butch) and celesbian (the famous lesbians we know and love, like Hayley Kiyoko and Raven-Symoné).

2. Put yourself out there

The first step to learning how to date a girl is making yourself available. This might mean finally asking out your queer crush, frequenting gay bars, or creating a compelling profile on lesbian dating apps. 

No matter where you’re looking, present yourself authentically. You can’t create genuine connections without mutual understanding and respect. It’s more than okay to pursue a lesbian relationship even if you’re bisexual or not ready for labels, but don’t misrepresent your experiences or identity in the hopes of landing a date. The strongest relationships are built on honesty, open communication, and trust. 

3. Don’t be afraid to initiate

We don’t buy into the old-fashioned “man makes the first move” rule, but it’s irrelevant for WLW relationships. When there are no men involved, a woman has to be the one to brave rejection.

Unless you meet in a lesbian bar or on an online dating platform for queer people, you might not know for sure if your crush is into women. That makes flirting even more intimidating. But the more you put yourself out there, the better you’ll get at picking up on other people’s vibes. 

If you’re sensing chemistry or notice a little twinkle in her eye when she looks at you, test the waters with some light-hearted lesbian flirting. If she’s matching your energy, shoot your shot — you’ll never know until you try.

4. Prioritize safety and mindfulness

Safety is a top priority in any dating scenario. Before a first date, inform a trusted friend or family member about your plans, and choose a public meeting place where you both feel safe and comfortable. Trust your instincts, and don’t hesitate to remove yourself from situations where you feel uncomfortable.

5. Plan a memorable first date

The first date is your opportunity to make a lasting impression and build a connection, so look for activities that allow for interaction and conversation. Activities that involve shared experiences can foster a deeper connection and make your date night (or date day) more memorable than a traditional dinner and movie.

If you’re stuck, think about what fun activities are available in your area. Consider visiting a pumpkin patch in the fall or a festive holiday market if it’s wintertime. Spring and summer are perfect for outdoor adventures like hiking, beach outings, or attending local seasonal festivals. And when in doubt, just ask her what her ideal date is. Communication is key, and that can start even before you meet up.

6. Don’t move too fast

We’re not talking about sex here — you’re a modern woman, so if sex on the first date feels right, go for it. But if you’re not ready, don’t let your date pressure you into going further than you feel comfortable with. Consent is key for every type of sexual encounter, even just a kiss. And lesbians are no exception.

But out of the bedroom, what we mean by “don’t move too fast” is this: Pump the brakes if you feel yourself falling head over heels from the jump. Don’t rush to put the “girlfriend” label on it, and try to avoid embodying the U-Haul lesbian stereotype. Good relationships are like good wine — they get better with age. Give yourselves time to grow and develop as a couple, and make sure you understand the difference between love and lust.

7. Practice mutual trust and respect

Building trust in a relationship takes time and consistent effort. It involves being reliable, consistent, and honest with your partner. Remember that trust can be difficult to regain once it’s lost, so set a standard from the first conversation.

Respect is all about honoring one another's individuality, boundaries, and life experiences. A healthy lesbian relationship is one where you both reciprocate and value trust and respect. If you’re communicating your needs with nothing in return, this may not be the partner for you.

8. Be a good communicator

Communication is the bedrock of any strong partnership. Start the relationship off right by expressing your needs, desires, and concerns openly, and nurture emotional intimacy by creating a space where you both feel heard and respected. 

If you communicate consciously and effectively, you’ll have better odds of lasting as a couple. And in the event of a breakup, you can keep it friendly when you run into each other at the bar or she starts dating your ex. 

9. Be a good lover

One of the most amazing things about lesbian relationships is a shared understanding of the female body. You won’t have to teach her where to find your erogenous zones — she likely already knows.

But every body is different. What makes you orgasm might not feel good to her. And when it comes to trans and genderqueer women, they might not even have the same parts as you, and you’ll need to communicate more about what feels good. 

Make communication a central part of your sexual relationships to ensure you’re meeting one another’s needs, and don’t be afraid to incorporate vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys into your playtime.

Hype yourself up with Quinn

Confidence is attractive no matter who you’re trying to date. If you’re looking for positive affirmations to help improve your self-esteem, try Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women for the world. Whether you’re interested in affirmations, WLW erotica, or romance, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.

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