Do you know what a perfect relationship looks like?

We’ll answer that question for you: You can’t. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, no matter what images and behaviors other couples curate for the outside world. 

When you spend a lot of time with someone, especially if you live together or frequently make decisions that impact both halves of the couple, disagreements are normal. But if unresolved fights and tears have become a regular part of your relationship, it’s likely a sign that you need to reevaluate whether or not this partner makes you feel happy and — most importantly — safe.

So how do you know if the partnership you’re in is unhealthy? And what do you do if it is? 

Let’s explore some of the most common signs and tips for how to get out of a toxic relationship safely — and how to begin undoing the damage so you can love again. 

What’s a toxic relationship?

Every relationship has ups and downs. But unlike a healthy relationship, where working through disagreements promotes understanding and growth, toxicity erodes intimacy, self-esteem, and emotional health, creating patterns of behavior that harm one or both partners.

Toxicity goes way beyond the occasional argument. It’s a prolonged pattern where one or both parties feel unheard, devalued, or unsafe. It’s a space where manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional distress become the norm. Instead of the love and support most people want from their partners, competition and disrespect begin to dominate interactions.

What’s the difference between a toxic and abusive relationship?

We mentioned the patterns of behavior that harm one or both members of a couple. But it’s important to distinguish between toxicity and abuse. Being in a toxic relationship is emotionally draining. But when things turn abusive, one partner chooses to act in a way that asserts their dominance and control, instigating emotional and sometimes physical violence that can be incredibly damaging to their partner.

Just because your partner hasn’t physically harmed you doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t abusive. Abuse can also take the form of threats, humiliation, stalking, sexual violence, neglect, or financial control.

It’s crucial to note that abuse doesn’t typically happen 24/7. Most abusers know when to play nice to keep their victims close. If any of this sounds like what you’re experiencing, familiarize yourself with the cycles of abuse and start making a safe exit plan. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. 

The tell-tale signs of a toxic relationship

Healthy, supportive relationships are vital to your emotional well-being, so it’s important to recognize when a relationship is harming you instead of helping. Here are some signs that your relationship may be toxic.

Persistent negative emotions

You may be experiencing persistent negative emotions like sadness, anger, or anxiety specifically tied to your relationship. These emotions might sometimes transition into noticeable changes to your personality, mental well-being, or self-esteem, especially when you’re with your partner. It's important to differentiate between temporary disagreements and consistent emotional disturbances — having these feelings one time isn’t a sign of toxicity, but if you grow to expect these negative emotions, it’s a sign that something’s not right.

Isolation from others

Most relationships thrive when both partners maintain friendships and engage in activities as individuals. Consider it a warning sign if your partner lacks connections outside your relationship or discourages you from maintaining yours.

Disrespectful behavior

Constructive criticism in a relationship can be beneficial. But direct personal attacks, blatant insults, and belittling remarks about someone's character, beliefs, or appearance indicate a lack of respect — a cornerstone of toxicity.

Overbearing communication

While it's lovely to share messages and check in with one another throughout the day, it becomes concerning when one partner uses communication as a means of control. If your partner constantly monitors your activities, demands frequent updates, or invasively tracks you, it's a sign they’re more concerned with controlling you than innocently keeping in touch.

Concerns from loved ones

Trust the insights of those who care about you. If friends or family express consistent concerns about your partner, or if you find yourself withholding relationship details out of embarrassment or fear, take a moment to reflect on why this is the case.

10 steps to escaping a toxic relationship

Recognizing toxicity is half the battle. Knowing how to leave a toxic relationship is often the hardest part, especially when emotions are high. But equipping yourself with the right tools, mindset, and support will give you a better chance of getting out and starting over. 

Establish a solid support system

Whether it's friends, family, or a community group, surrounding yourself with supportive people is invaluable. They offer a shoulder to lean on and act as a sounding board, especially when self-doubt creeps in.

Plan ahead

You don’t have to walk out immediately. Take the time you need to prepare, whether that’s to set aside money that’s just for you, line up a new place to live (even if it’s the sofa of a trusted friend), or find a new job. Map out whichother steps you need to take to sever ties with your soon-to-be ex. 

Don’t let anyone change your mind

Relationships end for a reason. Remember why you decided to end yours. Your feelings are valid, and sticking to your decision is essential for your well-being. Even if your partner comes back with promises about all the things they’ll do to change, remind yourself that you deserve someone who can make you feel safe and loved at the end of every day.

Go no contact

Toxic partners can be incredibly skilled manipulators. They know what buttons to push to get you to come back. Stay strong, even when you’re lonely. Block their number to help keep them from trying to strike up a conversation. If you share children, keep the discussions limited to only what’s necessary to ensure the kids’ needs are met.

Unfollow them

Blocking their number won’t do you much good if their face constantly pops up on Instagram or Facebook. Block or unfollow them on all the social media apps to set a clear boundary and help you move on.

Rebuild your self-worth

Your self-esteem might have taken a blow, and it may take time and effort to start loving yourself again. Tape positive affirmations to your bathroom mirror to help you replace negative self-talk with a voice that knows your worth. 

Ask for help from the pros

Not everyone who’s exiting a toxic relationship needs the help of a therapist. But don’t be afraid to seek guidance from a professional. An individual or family therapist can provide coping strategies, safety advice tailored to your situation, and valuable insights into how to move on from a relationship.

Start a journal

Journaling might feel awkward at first, but writing is incredibly therapeutic. Write about your experiences and your feelings, even if the words are hard to get down. It can help you accept the things you’ve been through instead of judging yourself for them, which is a vital part of moving on.

Seek out positive energy

From developing new self-care routines to spending quality time with loved ones, engaging in activities that uplift your spirit is a must. Look for healthy outlets that give you time to process what you’ve been through and blossom into a happier, healthier version of yourself.

Communicate with care

Knowing what to say when ending a toxic relationship can be tricky. When it’s time to initiate a breakup, express your feelings honestly and constructively. Use “I” statements to communicate how you feel without casting blame, ensuring your feelings are heard without escalating tension. 

If you’re unsure how your partner will react, have the conversation in a public place or with a trusted friend nearby. And remember that if your safety is at stake, you don’t owe them an in-person conversation at all.

Practice self-love through self-pleasure

It’s wise to give yourself time to heal before jumping into another relationship. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy sex life on your own. That’s why we made Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women for the world. If you’re interested in engaging narratives, guided masturbation sessions, and positive affirmations, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.

To access thousands of audio stories and sounds that will help you rekindle the spark with yourself, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.