Dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable can feel a lot like pursuing a relationship with a ghost. Maybe you have all the ingredients for a great connection — shared interests, intriguing conversations, sexual attraction — but even when you’re physically together, the emotions just aren’t there.

Or maybe you’re the emotionally unavailable partner, and no matter how much your logical side wants you to make things work, you always wind up pushing people away. 

If you’re concerned that you’re emotionally unavailable or want to know how to handle dating someone who is, this guide will give you the signs to watch for and steps to take when you spot them.

What is emotional unavailability?

Emotional unavailability is the inability or unwillingness to form and sustain deep emotional connections. When someone struggles to express their own feelings or understand the feelings of others, they’re likely emotionally unavailable.

We all have moments when we close ourselves off a bit, but for emotionally unavailable people, it's a pattern — like a protective shield against potential hurt. The desire to avoid tough emotions can stem from past relationships, childhood trauma, or even a fear of losing oneself in a relationship. 

Regardless of the causes, walling yourself off from emotional intimacy usually causes more pain than it protects against.

How being emotionally unavailable impacts relationships

Emotional unavailability takes a toll on even the strongest bonds. Here are the typical consequences of emotional neglect.

Loss of trust 

Constant emotional distance erodes trust. If you have an emotionally unavailable partner, you might begin to doubt their intentions and wonder if they're truly invested in the relationship.

Communication breakdowns 

Emotional unavailability often leads to a frustrating cycle: One partner withdraws, and the other pursues, which causes the detached partner to become even more aloof. This detachment breeds resentment, miscommunication, and a sense of never being on the same page.

A sense of loneliness

The cruel irony of emotional unavailability is that it often makes both partners feel lonely, even if they’re in a committed relationship. The detached partner deprives themselves of intimacy, while the emotionally available partner feels neglected, longing to be seen and understood.

The impact on the emotionally unavailable

While it's easy to focus on the pain an emotionally unavailable partner causes, it's important to remember that they’re often hurting, too. Their need to keep everyone at a distance and maintain space likely stems from a place of fear or past trauma. When they build protective walls around their heart, they miss out on the kind of love that can only come from vulnerability and mutual trust.

Their fear also fuels the cycle of detachment. By pushing people away, they often create the very abandonment they’re trying to avoid.

8 signs of emotional unavailability

Anyone can be emotionally unavailable — men, women, and people of every gender and sexuality. But recognizing emotional unavailability can be tricky. Here are eight red flags to watch out for in a partner.

1. They avoid intimacy

Think less vulnerable conversation and more surface-level chats. If your partner dodges deep talks or avoids sharing their feelings, it could be a sign they're keeping you at arm's length. 

A lack of intimacy makes it nearly impossible to build genuine trust — the kind where you feel safe confiding and revealing your true self. Over time, this distance can make you question every interaction and wonder if they truly care.

2. They’re afraid of commitment

They’re hot one minute and cold the next. The idea of labels, future plans, or even regular date nights sends them running for the hills. They’re into you — but only when you’re extra careful not to scare them off. 

This type of inconsistency breeds insecurity, leaving you unsure of where you stand or whether the relationship has any chance of a future.

3. They get defensive

When you express concerns or the desire for more emotional closeness, your efforts to communicate are met with defensiveness, deflection, or stonewalling. Instead of owning their contribution to your hurt, your partner may try to shift the blame, making you feel like the problem.

4. They’re icy

Their efforts to emotionally detach make them seem about as full of feeling as a robot — they rarely express joy, sadness, or anything in between. Your efforts to connect are met with an icy, emotionless exterior.

5. They lack empathy

When you try to talk with your partner about the positive or negative things going on in your life, they respond with awkward silence or a quick change of subject. They’re unable — or unwilling — to put themselves in your shoes.

6. They think sex is just sex

While they might be good in bed, you may still feel like you’re missing the emotional intimacy that takes sex to the next level. Once you’ve fulfilled their physical needs, they’re done — there’s no postcoital cuddle session or sexual aftercare. This physical disconnect reflects their larger difficulty with intimacy; they can engage with your body, but their heart remains off-limits.

7. They have a poor track record

Whether or not you believe past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, a long list of short-lived flings or wounded exes might be worth a second look.

8. You just have a gut feeling

Even if you can’t quite put your finger on it, something feels off. Maybe they’re even putting on an emotionally available front, but they try too hard to avoid conflict and look uncomfortable when it’s time to get vulnerable.

How to deal with an emotionally unavailable partner

It's natural to want to "fix" someone, but trying to force open a locked heart is a recipe for a whole lot of pain. Instead, here's what you can do if you’re struggling to break through:

• Communicate: Communicate consciously, and calmly express your needs and feelings. Let your partner know how their distance affects you.

• Set boundaries: Don't neglect yourself in the hopes of changing your partner. Prioritize your emotional well-being by setting boundaries and not engaging in emotionally draining dynamics. In some cases, you may need to leave the relationship to nurture your own emotional and mental health.

• Seek support: Talk to trusted friends or family members, or reach out to a therapist or relationship coach. Consider couples therapy if your partner is willing to be proactive in addressing the issues that are coming between you.

How to stop being emotionally unavailable

The signs we listed offer guidance for those dealing with an emotionally distant partner. But if you think you might be the emotionally unavailable one, just swap “they” for “you” for signs 1 through 7. 

Be honest and objective when considering whether these signs apply to you. Acknowledging your tendency to detach is the first step toward getting — and giving — emotional fulfillment.

Building healthier connections will require some work, but it’s worth the effort. Here’s where to start:

• Find the root cause: Reflect on past hurts or consider therapy to work through any blocks to vulnerability. Understanding the "why" behind your unavailability is often the key to unlocking change.

• Practice sharing: Open up to trusted people, bit by bit. Start with small emotional reveals and build from there. Journaling about your feelings can also be a helpful stepping stone.

• Learn to receive: Accept support and compassion without defensiveness. It's OK to get help and lean on others.

• Normalize the process: Changing deep-rooted patterns takes time. Be patient, acknowledge potential setbacks, and celebrate small victories along the way.

Important note: Emotional availability and unavailability exist on a spectrum. If you or someone you care about struggles with emotional detachment, it doesn't mean you're "bad" or unlovable. It's just a part of your journey, and with awareness and self-work, you can change things for the better.

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