You’ve got a pep in your step as you walk home from a great first date, and you’re already brainstorming plans for a second. But as the days pass, your texts about making plans sit unanswered. 

Navigating this silence is often frustrating and anxiety-inducing. But being ghosted is an all-too-common phenomenon caused by a wide range of things — and most say more about the ghoster than you. 

Read on to discover what ghosting is and how to turn this oft-negative situation into one of empowerment. 

What does it mean to be ghosted?

Ghosting involves suddenly — and unexpectedly — ceasing communication with someone. The concept isn’t new (Merriam Webster cites circulation beginning around 2006 and added it to their dictionary in 2017), but increased digital communication and online dating apps proliferated the occurrence and, in turn, the use of this word. 

Today, ghosting generally takes the following form: You swipe right on some cutie and start chatting. You’ve got a lot in common, and after a couple flirtatious back-and-forths, a date’s set. When you two meet, things go swimmingly — but then you never hear from them again. Sometimes, they might even ghost you before you manage to set that first date, despite days or even weeks of killer conversation. 

Ghosting doesn’t necessitate a total drop in communication, although that’s how it usually happens. A few common signs of ghosting include: 

• Regularly canceling plans

• Disappearing from socials

• Unmatching you on a dating app

• Seeming disinterested when texting

• Always saying they’re too busy to hang out

• Never texting you first

• Breadcrumbing (someone continuing communication just enough to make you think they’re interested in you when they don’t intend to further the relationship)

Ghosting isn’t exclusively a dating phenomenon. A new friend, potential employer, or networking connection could suddenly break off communication. One 2022 study in Psychotherapy even found that psychologists sometimes ghost their patients. If you get ghosted, know that it’s common and not personal. 

Why do people ghost?

One reason people ghost is because it’s convenient — you simply message the person less, and eventually, they take the hint. It helps you avoid awkward conversations, like telling a new date you didn’t feel a connection. 

You might also ghost someone if you experience high anxiety levels when confronting others. This is more than just avoiding an awkward encounter — it involves trying to keep yourself safe from triggers that might cause severe anxiety. Say one of your triggers is anger. You might avoid telling a date they did something that upset you to avoid a potential argument. Instead, you just quit communicating with them altogether. 

And ghosting can be a boundary-setting method. For instance, if you realize you have a problematic relationship with a friend (perhaps they’re an energy vampire and leave you feeling worse off after hangouts), you might use ghosting to ease out of the friendship. 

Even people pleasers who struggle to create boundaries might ghost. To avoid disappointing someone, you might answer texts and make-then-break plans because you don’t actually want to continue developing a relationship but don’t want to let them down. 

The impact of being ghosted

Regardless of its form, ghosters often leave the receiver feeling sad, confused, and rejected. You think everything’s fine, and suddenly someone’s not communicating like they used to — or at all — and you’re left running through a post-mortem of every social interaction you had, trying to figure out what you did wrong. 

Frequently experiencing ghosting can lead to increased loneliness and decreased self-worth. You might feel like you weren’t even worth an explanation, and internalizing this experience can cause you to treat yourself as someone whose feelings don’t matter. 

Ghosting can even impact your professional life. A 2023 study in Gnosi found that ghosting in the workplace — like if a manager stops answering your questions or a coworker unexpectedly cancels weekly chats — can negatively impact your mental health and self-esteem. 

How to respond to ghosting: 4 strategies

Ghosting is nearly inevitable, so understanding how to respond in ways that reduce its negative impacts is crucial. Here are four healthy ways to cope. 

1. Calm your mind

Potential ghosting can cause the mind to race with assumptions. But life gets busy, and there’s a chance the ghoster is just overwhelmed. Or the scenario might be new for them. There are no clear-cut dating rules, and they might not know they need to communicate regularly in a casual or long-distance relationship. 

Before you convince yourself they don’t like you and you’ll never hear from them, try breathing techniques that can quiet all the chatter. You might belly-breathe for 10 minutes or note five things in your vision that you think are beautiful. These grounding strategies can bring you back to the moment to gain a less frantic perspective. 

2. Confront the person

Confrontation doesn’t necessitate hostility. If you’re still working out whether they’re ghosting you, consider checking in first to see if they’re okay. It might just be a busy schedule getting in the way of them making and keeping plans or texting like they used to. 

If you know you’re being ghosted, consider telling the person how you feel and asking if the lack of interest is sincere. This might be the nudge they need to be more transparent with you. And yes, you might not love their answer. But at least you won’t have to wonder about the reality of the situation.

3. Practice positive affirmations

Being ghosted can leave you feeling self-conscious and rejected. Someone didn’t make the effort to be transparent with you, and that hurts. To combat this hit to your self-worth, consider practicing the following affirmations every morning: 

• Anyone who doesn’t respect my time doesn’t deserve it

• My life is filled with people who love me

• This incident doesn’t define my worth

• I am worthy of healthy and loving relationships

 4. Terminate contact

In highly toxic ghosting scenarios, cutting ties is best. Don’t call or text the person, and if they’re breadcrumbing you, send a clear message telling them you’d like to cease communication. This can help you move on from the situation and close the grief cycle.

What to say instead of ghosting

When you feel threatened or unsafe, ghosting can be an effective way to cut contact. But transparency and empathy are non-negotiables in most healthy relationships. Here are a few common ghosting scenarios with text examples you might send instead of making a digital Irish exit: 

• Boundary setting: Say you have a complicated relationship with a parent and want to reduce communication to create space. You might write, “I know I typically call you once a week, but it’s best for my mental health if we start chatting every other week. Please respect this boundary, and we can talk about it further on our next call.” 

• Incompatibility: It’s common to find you’re incompatible with someone on a first date — it’s essentially a vibe check for both parties. Instead of ghosting, be clear from the get-go and let them know you had a great time but the connection wasn’t there. Conclude by wishing them all the best in their search for the right partner(s). 

• Meeting someone else: No matter the situation, rejection hurts — but ghosting hurts more. For newer relationships, you might just let your current date know you’ve enjoyed getting to know them but you’ve met someone else. It’s best practice in more serious relationships to be increasingly transparent, and sometimes you might just prefer another fish in the sea. 

• A busy schedule: As much as you like hanging out with someone, a hectic schedule can still get in the way. Start by telling the person you enjoy their company and would love to spend more time with them but that you’re currently overwhelmed with obligations. Close by letting them know you’ll be in touch to make plans when things calm down. 

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You can’t control whether someone ghosts you, but you can control how much love and attention you give to yourself. And Quinn’s the perfect way to remind you that your feelings matter.

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