Polyamorous. Ethically non-monogamous. Open. 

There are almost as many words to describe polyamory as there are ways to practice it. And if you’ve spent much time on dating apps, you’ve probably seen at least one of these terms pop up on a prospect’s profile.

Whether you’re interested in becoming poly, dating a poly partner, or better understanding what it really means to be polyamorous, here’s what you need to know.

Monogamy versus polyamory

Most people in the Western world grow up believing monogamy is the only “right” way to be in a relationship. The word comes from the Greek monos (one) and gamos (marriage), but today it describes any sexual or romantic partnership between two people — no more or less. Polyamory is the exact opposite. The word comes from the English root “poly” (many) and Latin amor (love), literally translating to “many loves.” That doesn’t mean you have to have 10 partners to be poly. It simply suggests you don’t subscribe to traditional relationship rules.

Polygamy versus polyamory

And then there’s polygamy, which combines the “poly” from polyamory with the “-gamy” from monogamy to create a plural marriage, or the practice of being married to more than one person simultaneously (which is less socially and legally accepted).

On the surface, it might seem like those who believe it’s OK to have multiple partners shouldn’t have a problem with others marrying numerous spouses. But polygamy usually takes the form of polygyny, where one husband has multiple wives — even if the wives aren’t consenting partners. This often leads to a power imbalance and has a negative psychological impact on everyone involved, especially women and children.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is all about freedom and love, not power and control. That doesn’t mean there are no rules in a poly relationship, but what’s most important is communication, trust, and respect. And a poly relationship isn’t truly poly unless everyone involved enters it consensually.

Compersion: A poly superpower

We know what you might be thinking. You can’t stomach the idea of sharing the person you love (or like) with someone else.

But that’s the key to success for poly people: deriving genuine joy from the health and happiness of the ones you care about, even if that happiness has nothing to do with you.

The poly community has a word for this feeling: compersion. It’s the art of sympathetic joy — the direct opposite of jealousy. Practicing compersion means feeling happy for your partner when someone else makes them happy.

If you’re accustomed to monogamy, compersion might be hard to imagine. But unless you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s an emotion you’ve probably already felt many times. Just think back to the last time something good happened to your partner that wasn’t tied to love or sex — a college acceptance, a promotion at work, a winning lottery ticket. If their happiness made you happy, you already know what compersion feels like. To find true joy in a polyamorous relationship, you just need to learn to extend that emotion to the happiness your partner enjoys when they’re with someone else.

10 polyamorous relationship types 

Monogamous relationships may still be the norm, but consensual or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is gaining traction in countries like the United States, where an estimated 17 million Americans were practicing polyamory in 2022. But, just like monogamous partnerships, not all polyamorous relationships look the same. Here are 10 common types of polyamory.

1. Garden-party polyamory

Before we get into what we mean by “garden party,” let’s explore two common polyamory terms: paramour and metamour. For the purposes of this guide, a paramour is a lover who’s not your partner, and a metamour is your partner’s lover. But we should note that not every polyamorist embraces these terms.

Garden-party polyamory describes the type of metamour relationship that isn’t hostile but also isn’t friendly or romantic. You’re OK with socializing with your partner’s partners at social events, but you aren’t friends.

2. Hierarchical polyamory

If you’re committed to one primary partner you want to stick with while pursuing other sexual interests on the side, hierarchical polyamory (often called an open relationship or open marriage) might be your best choice. This arrangement allows you and your partner to seek out secondary partnerships, but the person you come home to remains the same. 

3. Kitchen-table polyamory

In some senses, kitchen-table polyamory (KTP) is the opposite of the garden-party variety. You and your primary partner both have paramours and metamours, and you’re all comfortable sharing a meal (and sometimes more) like friends. 

4. Non-hierarchical polyamory

If there’s no primary partner and everyone’s needs and desires carry the same weight, you’re likely practicing non-hierarchical polyamory. You might have several equal relationships with multiple partners. 

5. Parallel polyamory

Similar to kitchen-table polyamory, there’s no bad blood in parallel polyamory — but your relationships run parallel, meaning they don’t overlap. Your partners likely aren’t friends, and you probably don’t discuss your relationship with one partner with another.  

Although these relationships are independent, these partners are often still considered part of the same polycule — the group of three or more polyamorous people who connect romantically or sexually — even if they’re just your partner’s partner. 

6. Quad polyamory

One may be the loneliest number, but who says you have to stop at two? A quad is a traditional (but non-monogamous) couple multiplied by two.

7. Relationship anarchy

We’ve mentioned the idea of hierarchy a couple of times now. But relationship anarchy goes even further than non-hierarchical polyamory. With an anarchical approach, no sexual or romantic partner’s needs take priority over the other people you have a connection with, including friends, family, coworkers, or anyone else.

8. Single polyamory

You don’t have to be actively practicing polyamory to be poly. If consensual non-monogamy is your preferred relationship style, but you don’t currently have a partner, you’re a single poly — a tidbit that potential partners will appreciate knowing upfront.

9. Solo polyamory

Some poly partners have a domestic partnership, sharing a home with their primary or polycule. Those who choose to live alone or with a non-romantic roommate are practicing solo polyamory.

10. Throuple

Threesomes usually mean short-term fun. But when a group of three enters something longer term together, they become a throuple.

As with every other relationship style, the group’s members set the rules and dynamics. They might choose to be a closed triad, where the throuple’s romantic and sexual relationships are exclusive to the group. If they commit to one another but allow themselves to see other people on the side, the relationship is known as an open triad.

Common misconceptions about polyamory   

Polyamory isn’t as stigmatized as it once was, especially in more progressive areas. But plenty of myths abound. Here are some of the most common.

Myth #1: Polyamorous people are addicted to sex

While sex is a healthy and important part of many romantic relationships, polyamory isn't just about sexuality. It's about building intimate, romantic connections with multiple partners. Some asexual people even practice ethical non-monogamy, focusing on romantic love and intimacy instead of sex with multiple partners. 

Myth #2: Polyamory is a quick fix for a failing monogamous relationship

If one or both members of a monogamous couple are romantically or sexually dissatisfied, the relationship has issues that polyamory won’t fix. That doesn’t mean the couple can’t pursue an open relationship if they return to a healthy place, but they must first address the problems in their existing relationship.

Myth #3: Polyamorous people have no boundaries

Quite the opposite! Clear boundaries and consent are essential to poly dynamics to ensure every partner feels secure and respected. 

Is polyamory for you?

If you don’t like the thought of limiting your love to one person, polyamory might be for you. But there are some factors you need to take into account. The success of every intimate relationship — monogamous, poly, or platonic — depends on communication, understanding, and respect. If you struggle with these qualities or have trust issues, you may need to work on yourself before giving polyamory a shot.

And yes, it’s possible to cheat in a poly relationship. Being polyamorous doesn’t mean you can get involved with anyone at any time. If you breach the established relationship agreement with your partner(s), it’s considered cheating.

It’s also important to remember that poly people are still people. They have human emotions like anyone else, including jealousy. Practicing compersion should always be the goal, but overcoming jealousy can be a journey. Boundaries, trust, and good communication will help keep feelings of jealousy from ruining a good thing.

Tap into your fantasies with Quinn

New experiences are part of what makes polyamory so enticing. But the hottest sexual experiences are sometimes the ones that play out in your mind. That’s why we made Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women for the world. If you’re interested in threesomes, queer erotica, or fantasies to share with your partner, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.

To access thousands of audio stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.