No matter how comfortable you are with your sexuality, you’ve probably had a run-in with sexual shame. 

Maybe you got caught off-guard when the conversation came up at a party and felt like you weren’t experienced enough in the bedroom. Maybe people in your teen years judged you for hooking up with your partner. Or maybe you’ve internalized all the anti-sex messaging that pops up in social discourse and just aren’t sure how to shake it.

Sexual shame looks different for everyone, and nobody’s exempt — whether you’re straight, queer, or even asexual. And you might feel it to the point that it impacts your ability to lead a healthy sex life. But there’s good news: If you can learn to identify sexual shame and the ways it’s affecting you, you can begin the process of reversing it.

What is sexual shame?

Sexual shame is the name for the uneasiness or embarrassment that might come up when you think about, or express, your sexuality. It can manifest in different ways, like a lower libido or a tendency to avoid talking about sex, even with your friends. 

Generally speaking, sexual shame breaks down into three subtypes:

• Relational sexual shame arises during interactions with others, and it usually comes up when you feel like another person’s judging you (whether real or perceived).

• Internalized sexual shame leads to feelings of humiliation, disgust, or even a sense of abnormality about your body or sexual preferences.

• Sexual inferiority makes you feel like you don't meet certain standards or expectations, often stemming from societal norms and cultural practices.

All of these feelings can lead to a range of challenges, like self-criticism, relationship problems, or body-related insecurities. They can impact your ability to orgasm or even have positive sexual experiences with others. And the heightened self-awareness that shame brings can influence negative thought patterns, harming your self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being.

What’s the source of sexual shame?

Shame isn’t a natural human emotion. It’s a feeling people learn through interactions with others and social systems. 

Society may have taught you that one of your body parts was too big or not big enough. It may have taught you to be embarrassed about your body’s natural functions. It also may have taught you that oral sex is gross, anal sex is taboo, and missionary-style vaginal sex is the only dignified way to sleep with a partner.

You may have learned that loving casual sex should make you feel guilty, or that certain kinks or fantasies are perverse. Some of these assumptions could be gender-based, assuming that you learned men should treat sex as a conquest, but women who sleep with too many partners are somehow worth less than they were before. The point is that all of these ideas are learned, not innate — and they can all lead to sexual shame.

Shame can also arise as a result of sexual trauma and physical or emotional abuse, whether at a young age or later in life. This is especially true for people who were unable to process their experience with the support of loved ones or a therapist. When you don’t work through your feelings early on, they can persist later and lead to shame that affects all parts of your life.

10 signs of sexual shame

Although shame looks different for everyone, there are a few ways to spot it. Here are some of the most common signs:

1. Avoiding conversations about sex

A hallmark of shame is avoiding its trigger. If your shame revolves around sexuality, you might feel deeply uneasy discussing it. This could manifest as anything from discomfort during sexual scenes in movies or abruptly changing the subject when the conversation veers toward sex.

2. Avoiding specific sexual language

Not everyone has access to comprehensive sex education. When you combine limited knowledge with sexual embarrassment, it might become challenging to talk about your body or needs. You might use phrases like “down there” instead of “vagina” when talking about genitals, or say “intimacy” or another softer word when referring to sex.

3. Persistent insecurities

Shame can make you feel unworthy. And as a result, it can amplify your insecurities about sexual and romantic relationships. Doubts about being desirable enough, or feeling like people are judging you, can cloud intimate moments, making your sexual encounters stressful and unenjoyable.

4. Seeking constant reassurance

Those insecurities can lead you to need constant words of reassurance from sexual partners. And even the most supportive ones may not be enough to quiet your feelings of shame. This can lead to exhaustion on both sides and negatively affect your relationships. 

5. Protective or closed-off body language

Classic signs of shame in body language include avoiding eye contact, trying to make your body appear smaller, or otherwise adopting the posture of a person who feels they need to stay guarded. And during sex, this can prevent you from truly letting loose and enjoying your body.

6. Reluctance to be naked

For some, the very idea of being seen without clothes on — especially during intimate moments — can be daunting. You might avoid being naked in front of partners or prefer turning off the lights during intimate activities.

7. Making sexual decisions based on external pressure

True consent means both parties are eager participants. But if you feel the relationship hinges on your willingness to meet certain sexual expectations, it may be pressure, not pleasure, that guides your sexual activity. 

8. Holding back during intimate moments

Good sex isn’t silent. But sexual shame might make you think the natural noises your body makes are too embarrassing. You might avoid moaning or feel like you’re performing instead of expressing your feelings authentically.

9. Being dissatisfied with your sex life

What may feel like boredom or sexual incompatibility could actually be a result of underlying shame. You might have a hard time connecting with partners and try addressing the dissatisfaction with sex toys or porn, but find that the issues don’t improve — because feeling comfortable during sex has to come from within.

10. Avoiding self-pleasure

Masturbation is a healthy, natural part of life with many benefits beyond sexual pleasure. But if you’re struggling with shame, you might avoid that self-love because of the feelings of sexual guilt it stirs up.

How to overcome sexual shame: 8 tips

As the world begins to place a stronger emphasis on wellness and mental health, there’s never been a better time to start advocating for your sexual well-being. Your sex life is part of your holistic self, so don’t leave it behind when it comes to self-improvement.

Here’s how to make steps toward sexual freedom:

1. Start a journal

A journal is a great first step on your journey to sexual health. You can use it to think through large-scale issues like societal messages about sex, but it’s also a safe space to delve into your personal experiences, values, and goals. Try starting with prompts like these:

• What’s the first emotion I feel when I hear the word “sex”?

• Which sexual acts inspire negative emotions within me? Why?

• How does social media impact my feelings about my body and sexual desire?

• When was the last time I felt really comfortable sexually? What made me feel that way?

2. Embrace your sexual self

Humans are sensual creatures. But shame about sex causes many people to oppress that side of themselves. 

Think about the sexual identity you’d like to have, one where there’s no shame at all. Introduce self-care rituals to help bring that identity out. You can start with something simple like a sensual shower or bath — light some candles, turn on meditative music, and concentrate on your body’s sensations. When you’re ready, introduce masturbation with the goal of exploration, not orgasm. Exist mindfully within your body while learning its natural response to stimulation.

3. Practice open communication

Shame loves to hide in the shadows, but it’s fueled by secrecy. Engaging in honest dialogues about your sexual dysfunctions, desires, and fears can foster understanding and closeness and remove the shame within. Healthy relationships rely on open communication, and that includes being open about your feelings toward sex.

4. Cultivate self-compassion

While external empathy is powerful, directing it inward can help you fight your feelings of shame. Cherishing yourself might feel vain or self-centered, but recognizing and accepting your sexuality is actually a stepping stone to forming genuine connections with others. Try listing things about yourself that you find sexy, or buying a toy just for self-pleasure to remind you how worthy you really are.

5. Lean on trusted friends

You may feel like the only one dealing with sexual shame, and hiding it can cause you to put up walls. But you’re not alone.

Sharing your vulnerabilities with others, whether with a partner, friends, or even a support group, can mend disconnections and develop meaningful relationships. By sharing your feelings or experiences with others, you’ll give yourself the chance to find support while also offering your peers a platform to open up about their own struggles.

6. Widen your perspective

Negative feelings around sex often stem from societal expectations, like the (incorrect) ideas that men are more sexual than women or that queerness is unnatural. Stepping back and analyzing these constructs can help you dissolve your self-judgment and see that the problem is much larger than you — and that there’s nothing wrong with you.

7. Educate yourself

Conventional sex education is often reductive, focusing on issues like pregnancy and STIs instead of pleasure, self-exploration, and consent. Understanding the broader spectrum of “normalcy” can help counter self-doubt, so try enrolling in an adult sex education course or opening the conversation with people you trust.

Another great way to explore the whole spectrum of human sexuality is through ethical porn, whether that’s visual or audio (or even written). Apps like Quinn host hundreds of hours of niche content to sift through. It’s educational and it’s a great way to feel more comfortable interacting with sexual content — and even easing into masturbation and kinks.

8. Seek professional help

It might seem like an extreme step, but exploring psychotherapy or sex therapy can offer meaningful insights into your feelings that you might not find otherwise. It can shed light on the origin of your struggles and provide guidance for improving your well-being. 

Find a therapist who fosters a non-judgmental, sex-positive environment, either in-person or online. Group therapy might also present opportunities to relate with and learn from others' experiences.

Your partner in pleasure

Sexual shame affects people of all genders and sexualities, but it’s especially prevalent in women and members of the LGBTQ+ community. That’s why we made Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women, for the world. If you’re interested in exploring material designed to make you feel good without guilt, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.

To access thousands of audio stories and guided masturbation sessions fit for various comfort levels, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.