"Was it as good for them as it was for me?" 

If you've ever questioned this, you're definitely not alone.

Wondering if you and your partner(s) are on the same page sexually is common, and it doesn't only happen to newbies. Many people in long-term relationships experience sexual incompatibility at some point in their partnership. 

Here's the silver lining: Sexual compatibility isn't set in stone. It's malleable, and there are new habits and various strategies you can try out to develop it over time. And syncing up those bedroom vibes is worth it for better Os and increased intimacy. 

What’s sexual compatibility?

Sexual compatibility is the degree to which you and your partner share similar sexual preferences, including desires, kinks, and boundaries. You can think of sexual compatibility like a Venn diagram: The more significant the overlap, the more compatible you are. 

That said, sexual compatibility isn't just about liking the same stuff in bed. It's also about how well you communicate and whether or not you understand and respect each other's wishes. You’re sexually compatible with someone if you feel like you’re on the same page regarding intimacy. 

Sexual compatibility isn't static. If you want to grow that overlap and have more fun with your partner(s), start with an open conversation about any unmet needs. From there, you can build an action plan together to foster more sexual chemistry. 

How important is sexual compatibility?

Sexual compatibility plays an essential role in healthy relationships and great sex. While it's not the only factor at play, it's a game-changer for many people because relationships thrive on connection, trust, and intimacy.

When you're in tune with your partner(s) in the bedroom, you might feel closer to them more generally, because you feel seen and sexually satisfied. And because communication is so critical to building sexual compatibility, you’ll learn more about their needs and how to express your own. While certainly increasing sexual satisfaction, this self-advocacy might spill out into other areas of your life, too.

What influences sexual compatibility?

Sexual compatibility is more than just a spontaneous spark. A handful of factors impact how well you connect with your partner, like your:

• Environment: Whether you're spending your days in a stressful work environment or you live with family or roommates, your surroundings impact your sex life. And something as simple as having a relaxing, private bedroom can boost intimacy.

• Sexual preferences: Sexual turn-ons and turn-offs are unique. While it's great to be on the same page, not everyone is, and differences can be a source of frustration and even a deal breaker. 

• Physical or mental health: In some cases, health issues affect libido and sexual performance. Be open about these challenges and seek outside help from a sex therapist or educator if needed to improve your sexual experience.

• Life changes: Whether due to stress or simply a lack of time, significant life events, like a big move, new baby, or career change, can throw off your sexual game. 

• Relationship issues: If your relationship is struggling, these issues may shine through during sex. Unresolved tension or conflict outside the bedroom may negatively impact sexual compatibility. 

How to improve sexual compatibility: 7 tips

Sexual compatibility is about physical and emotional connection. It's a combination of communication, understanding, and mutual respect that sometimes ebbs and flows as life happens. Many couples need to work on sexual compatibility as time passes, as what works in the initial stages of a relationship may not work later on.

Here are seven ways to improve sexual compatibility.

1. Make a list 

List your sexual needs, including negotiables and non-negotiables, and discuss them with your partner. This helps identify what's essential in your intimate relationship, what you're willing to work on, and what's a hard pass for you personally. Creating and sharing this list can illuminate areas of alignment and divergence in your sexual relationship and lead to a constructive way forward. You might even learn more about yourself. 

2. Communicate in a neutral environment 

Where you talk to your partner is essential. Pick a space where you both feel comfortable and relaxed to foster open dialogue. This might be your living room, backyard deck, or office, or you could talk during a hike or drive. Avoid areas where past conflict has occurred, and don't talk in the bedroom, as this might feel “too close to home” if the conversation becomes difficult.

3. Pick a good time

Timing really is everything. Choose a distraction-free and low-stress moment where you can focus on one another, like after a relaxed dinner or on a chill weekend morning. 

4. Be compassionate 

Practice empathy and understanding for your partner and yourself. Speak in a way that reflects your personal feelings and avoid confrontational or accusatory statements. Communicating this way makes it easier for your partner to hear and understand your perspective without becoming embarrassed or defensive.

5. Avoid blaming 

Working on your sexual compatibility is about mutual growth, so why point fingers? Instead of only focusing on areas where you’re sexually incompatible, focus on how you can work together to improve your sex life. Discuss what's going well, what isn't, and what you'd like to try.

6. Remember to compromise 

The perfect sex life is an illusion, and that's why compromise is so important. To have a balanced, fulfilling sexual relationship that satisfies you and your partner(s), you may need to make adjustments here and there. Some tweaks might feel small, while others require more effort and understanding.

7. Consider a polyamorous relationship

This certainly isn't for everyone, but polyamory or an open relationship may be worth exploring if you and your partner feel curious about it. Polyamory involves adding outside sexual or emotional connections with other people without compromising the foundation of your primary relationship. Going this route requires a baseline of trust, respect, and communication — and lots of research. If you decide to go in this direction, “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern is a great place to start. 

10 signs you're sexually compatible 

Sexual compatibility is about more than just great chemistry. Recognizing the signs can provide reassurance or highlight areas of your relationship that need more attention.

Here are 10 indicators that you and your partner are in sync:

1. It doesn't feel forced: Sex doesn't feel like a chore or like you're squeezing it in. Instead, you and your partner easily find time to be intimate, even with busy schedules. 

2. You communicate openly: You can discuss likes, dislikes, and boundaries easily and without hesitation. This suggests a strong foundation of trust, which is essential for a successful, healthy sexual relationship. 

3. Your sex drives sync up: While it's typical for sexual desire to fluctuate, you and your partner may be sexually compatible if you have similar appetites for getting it on. 

4. You're both adaptive: Each of you is willing to explore and adapt to the other's fantasies or kinks. This shows flexibility and a genuine desire to please each other. 

5. You kiss the same way: Did you know that kissing helps people determine a potential partner's long-term compatibility? According to an Oxford University study, there's more to making out than just your tongue game. Taste, smell, and cadence all play a part in assessing sexual compatibility. 

6. You can read each other's “signs”: If you can tell what your partner wants without them verbalizing it, you're probably sexually compatible. Being in tune with each other's sexy signals helps set the mood for better sex. 

7. You respect each other: Neither of you would ever push the other into doing something they're uncomfortable with. 

8. You climax at the same time: While simultaneous orgasm isn't the only indicator of sexual compatibility, climaxing together can signify heightened intimacy and a profound understanding of each other's bodies. 

9. You're comfortable being vulnerable: You and your partner feel safe expressing vulnerability during sex and emotional situations. This highlights a strong emotional bond that likely shines through during sex. 

10. There's no pressure: Neither of you feels pressured to perform or meet unrealistic expectations in the bedroom. Removing performance pressure and the negative emotions accompanying it allows for more enjoyable, authentic sex. 

Quinn can help you explore your desires

Listening to ethical audio erotica together on Quinn can enhance intimacy with your partner. Together, you can explore diverse sexual content that’s guaranteed to get your imagination going.

Quinn is a popular audio erotica app created by women for the world, and we're here to help you transform your solo and partnered sex life. To access thousands of audio stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.