Picture this: You’re sitting across the table from your newly single BFF. 

She’s been riding an emotional roller coaster since the breakup — reveling in her newfound freedom one day, sobbing into a tear-soaked pillow the next.

But the expression on her face today is new. “I need your advice,” she says. “Should I sleep with my ex?”

Sex with an ex? you think. Everyone knows that’s a terrible idea.

But think a little harder and you’ll probably remember that you’ve said “I really want to sleep with my ex” at some point in your own past.

So should anyone hook up with an ex? There’s no simple answer. But if you’re up for casual sex with an old flame, here’s a how-to guide so nobody gets hurt.

Why do people have sex with their exes?

Post-breakup sex happens for all sorts of reasons. Here are some of the big ones:

1. Familiarity

Sometimes, you mistake comfort for boredom. Intoxicated by the thought of meeting someone new, you (or your partner) initiate a breakup. But after a few weeks of playing the dating app game, you begin to miss having a partner to cuddle with and vent to about your day.

Dating takes a lot of energy, and it’s full of unknowns. Sometimes, sex with an ex is comforting, fulfilling the need for sex and affection with someone familiar until the next relationship comes along. And being with someone who already knows your body in and out does lead to better sex.

2. Emotional connection

Emotions don’t just up and vanish overnight. Many people harbor deep feelings for past partners. For some, sleeping with an ex keeps the connection alive, but without the commitment — providing a mix of physical and emotional intimacy that’s hard to replicate with casual sex or a new relationship.

3. Closure

The end of a relationship is often much uglier than its beginning. When you want a sense of finality, you might turn to breakup sex to tie up the emotional loose ends. Whether it’s a last hurrah in the heat of the moment or a carefully planned quest for closure, physical intimacy is often the result of a desire to neatly bookend a failed relationship and give one final goodbye.

The pros and cons of sleeping with an ex

Does some recent sexting with your ex have you rethinking the no-contact rule? Weigh these pros and cons before jumping (back) in bed.

Pros

Having sex with an ex isn’t all bad. Here’s what you stand to gain:

Familiarity

Your ex knows your body like the back of their hand. You don’t have to tell them your likes, dislikes, and fantasies — they already know. If it’s been a while since you’ve had an orgasm with a partner, hooking up with your ex can be a tried-and-true way to fulfill your sexual needs.

Meaningful sex

For many people, the body is just half of the sexual equation. A shared history adds depth to a sexual relationship, providing a level of intimacy that no one else can offer (at least right now).

Sexual healing

Reconnecting physically sometimes mitigates the bitterness or hard feelings that linger in the wake of a breakup. A sexual encounter can serve as a source of common ground, possibly paving the way for a long-lasting friendship — or even the coveted friends-with-benefits arrangement.

Cons

The pros are real, but there’s a flip side:

Catching feelings (again)

Reengaging sexually might rekindle the fire, for better or worse. While many people who sleep together after breaking up hope to find closure, they often wind up finding it more challenging to move on.

Reopening wounds

You might think you can set your feelings aside long enough to orgasm and say goodbye. But it’s surprisingly easy for the whole experience to emotionally confuse you, dredging up memories and picking at wounds before they’ve had the chance to fully heal.

Starting a cycle

Engaging in a sexual relationship with an old flame can lead to a messy situationship — or worse, a never-ending cycle of breaking up and getting back together. And that outcome usually just isn’t worth it.

Sex with an ex: The dos and don’ts

If you’ve decided you still want your ex sexually — and you’re willing to take the risk — keep these dos and don’ts in mind:

Do: Set boundaries

Set rules and discuss your expectations before having sex — not after. Without communication, you could end up on totally different pages, and you don’t want to end up with one of you thinking you’re going to get back together and the other already seeing other people.

If it’s too late and you’ve already done the deed, don’t panic. Just make a point to set boundaries and adhere to them from here on out.

Do: Practice consent

Consent is a non-negotiable in every sexual encounter, whether you’re sleeping with a long-term partner or a one-night stand. Sex with an ex is no exception. Make sure both parties are completely on board every step of the way, and remember that it’s okay to tap out if you realize this isn’t what you want.

Do: Use protection

Maybe you didn’t use protection while you were a couple, but you need to use it now — especially if you’re sleeping with other people. Wear condoms, dental dams, or another barrier method to protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy.

Don’t: Make it a habit

It’s pretty much never a good idea to get into a regular sexual relationship with an ex. If you want to move on and open your heart to other people, the safest play is to view this as a one-and-done situation.

Don’t: Ignore your heart

Be mindful of your emotional health. If you’re vulnerable, lonely, or still not over how things ended, sleeping together is likely to exacerbate those feelings, not make them disappear.

Don’t: Let yourself be used

If you’re the one who got dumped and you’re not quite over it yet, the sex might mean a lot more to you than it does to them. Don’t ignore signs your ex just wants to sleep with you — dismissing your own feelings to be their booty call will only lead to heartbreak in the end.

Let Quinn quench your thirst

It’s hard to go from having regular sex to sleeping alone. But the right sex toys and entertainment can make solo time just as pleasurable as the real thing — if not more so. 

That’s why we made Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women, for the world. If you’re interested in erotica about exes, infidelity, or healthy communication, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.

To access thousands of audio stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.