As non-monogamy becomes more commonplace, monogamous partners might be daydreaming about having the freedom to sleep with whomever they want. 

But while it’s true that open relationships offer a wider range of experiences, they’re not a quick fix for boredom or relationship issues. And if you don’t take the time to learn how to be in an open relationship before starting, you might find yourself without any partners at all. 

Here’s everything you need to know about when to open up a relationship — and how to do it the right way.

Understanding the different types of open relationships

An open relationship is a form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) — sometimes known as ethical non-monogamy (ENM) — where partners agree to engage in sexual or emotional relationships with others. This approach redefines the traditional boundaries of a committed relationship, giving partners the freedom to explore connections outside their primary partnership.

Don’t mistake “freedom” for “free-for-all.” These partnerships still have rules and expectations, which vary according to the type of open relationship you’re in:

• Hierarchical open relationship: Your relationship with one primary partner takes precedence, but you can have secondary or tertiary relationships with less intensity or involvement. Maybe you like talking to and sleeping with other people, but don’t plan on saying “I love you” to another partner anytime soon.

• Non-hierarchical open relationship: Each of your relationships has equal weight and operates on a level playing field. No single partnership is prioritized over others. This verges more into polyamory than an open relationship, but we’ll explain that in a second.

• Sexually-focused open relationship: This type is just what the name suggests: Your relationships are guided by sexual exploration, with less emphasis on emotional connections. For example, you might live with a primary partner and have one-night stands with other people. 

Poly versus open relationships: What’s the difference?

Many people use the terms polyamory and open relationship interchangeably, but they’re not exactly the same. Here's how they differ.

The level of involvement

Polyamory often involves multiple romantic connections, while open relationships often involve a primary partner with casual romantic or sexual escapades on the side.

The level of connection

Polyamorous relationships tend to focus on building emotional bonds with multiple partners. Open relationships may or may not delve that deep.

Relationship dynamics

It’s common for every poly partnership to have equal standing — also known as non-hierarchical polyamory. Most open relationships follow the hierarchical model, with one primary partner and others secondarily.

Community and culture 

Polyamorous communities often emphasize a culture of inclusivity and emotional openness, while open relationship communities might be more diverse in their approach.

The psychology of open relationships

Not everyone is built for non-monogamy. While it can bring you to a whole new level both sexually and emotionally, it takes a lot of communication, effort, and self-awareness. Sometimes, you might not have the energy to focus on anyone but a primary partner, or you find yourself getting jealous easily. That’s totally okay — there’s nothing wrong with being monogamous.

If you’re wondering if you have the right traits to open things up successfully, most people who do well in non-monogamous relationships have these in common:

• Emotional intelligence and self-awareness: They’re adept at navigating their own feelings and those of their partners.

• Good communication skills: They know how to effectively articulate their needs, boundaries, and desires.

• A high capacity for jealousy: They’re capable of understanding the root cause of jealousy and tackling it head-on with openness and reassurance.

• Security and confidence: They understand that love and attraction aren’t finite resources.

• A desire for personal growth and exploration: They’re curious about their sexuality and emotional life.

• A balance of independence and emotional intimacy: They have the capacity for both introspection and mutual respect.

• Open-mindedness: They prioritize rich, fulfilling connections over traditional notions of relationship success.

5 key characteristics of a healthy open relationship

Navigating an open relationship requires skill and care. Here’s what you need to prioritize when you open things up.

1. Clear communication

If communication is a problem with your current partner, you’ll need to address that issue before bringing anyone new into either of your lives. If and when you do start seeing other people, make clear, constant communication a priority. Discuss everything from boundaries to feelings honestly and transparently, and give your partner(s) the space to do the same.

2. Boundaries

Do your best to define your boundaries before your partner inadvertently crosses them, and ask your partner to do the same. Your boundaries could include who you’re both comfortable seeing, where and how often you can sleep with others, and which activities are acceptable. You should also outline whether you want to talk about your experiences or operate on a need-to-know basis.

3. Consent

Here’s a rule that transcends relationship type: Every sexual or romantic step must be consensual, and either partner can revoke consent at any time. If you tell your partner they can sleep with someone else and realize later you really don’t like the idea, it’s okay to say “Never mind.” Every conversation should be ongoing.

4. Regular check-ins

To make sure everyone’s on the same page, schedule regular check-ins to talk about how things are going and what, if anything, needs to change. That includes both your primary partner and any other people you’re seeing. 

5. Safe sex 

Sex is fun, but it can have very serious consequences, like pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). When you’re in an open relationship, dating multiple people means one careless encounter can impact the sexual health of you, your primary partner, and whoever else either of you sleeps with. You’ll need to be extra careful about testing, birth control, and barriers.

Is an open relationship right for you?

Before opening things up, take some time for self-reflection by asking the following questions (and answering honestly!):

1. How do I handle jealousy? Jealousy is natural, but you have to be able to manage it to have a successful non-monogamous arrangement.

2. What are my relationship goals? Think about what you’re seeking from your existing and future relationships. Is it emotional depth, sexual fulfillment, or a mix of both? Can you achieve those things with one partner, or is multiple necessary?

3. Am I open to the idea of my partner being with others? You can’t give yourself permission to sleep with others while expecting your primary partner to stay true to you. If exclusivity — yours or your partner’s — is a priority, an open relationship likely isn’t the right choice.

4. Am I capable of communicating openly and honestly? Answering “No” isn’t a permanent dealbreaker, but it does mean you may need to work on your communication skills before entering an open relationship. 

Explore your sexual fantasies with Quinn

At Quinn, we support polyamorous relationships, open marriages, and every other form of non-monogamy. But if you’re craving sexual fulfillment and still aren’t sure an open relationship is right for you, indulging in audio erotica — alone or with a partner — can help you explore your fantasies without posing a risk to your monogamous relationship. 

That’s why we made Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women for the world. If you’re interested in threesomes, friends-to-lovers tropes, or couples erotica, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.

To access thousands of audio stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.