Every relationship requires a degree of independence and compromise. But codependency involves a disproportionate give-and-take and an intense level of reliance. This can look like clinginess, obsessiveness, and blurry boundaries. 

If you’re noticing a pattern of codependent behavior in yourself and your relationship(s), there's no shame in seeking help. Here's how to stop being codependent so you can live a healthier life.

What is codependency? 

Codependency involves one person excessively relying on another person’s validation, emotional support, and fulfillment to determine their own happiness or self-worth. A codependent person will often take on the role of caretaker, prioritizing the needs of the other person in the relationship, creating a cycle of reliance and enabling behaviors. 

While you might understand this as a dynamic between couples, codependent relationships aren't confined to romantic partners. Codependency can manifest in interactions with family, friends, and even colleagues. These relationships involve unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior, like low self-esteem, excessive caretaking, and poor boundaries.  

Codependency often stems from deeply ingrained behavior patterns linked to early childhood experiences, such as neglect or abuse. These behaviors can become more evident if the other person in the relationship has their own struggles, such as a gambling or substance addiction. In this case, the codependent person may become more entrenched in “fixing” their partner but their excessive support might enable the destructive behavior. 

How does codependency work?  

In a codependent relationship, one person depends on their partner, and the other (the codependent person) needs to feel essential.

Each person in the codependent relationship reinforces the other's thoughts and feelings with their behaviors, and the impact on mental health is profoundly negative. The following are common characteristics of codependent relationships: 

Excessive caretaking 

People with codependency may feel a compelling urge to take care of others and prioritize their needs — often beyond what's considered healthy. They may even sacrifice themselves for others and feel responsible for their happiness and well-being. If they can't "fix" things for someone they're codependent with, they might experience unfounded guilt or anxiety. 

Difficulty setting boundaries 

Struggling with setting and keeping boundaries is another crucial sign of codependency. Many people with codependency find it difficult to say no and feel guilty for prioritizing their needs and wants. They often feel the constant need to stay in touch with their partner. Codependent people may even dedicate all their free time to the relationship, leaving no time for themselves, or do things that make them uncomfortable just to appease the other person.    

Low self-esteem 

Low self-worth is often central to codependency. To an unhealthy degree, a person struggling with codependency may seek approval and validation from others and base their self-worth on how needed they are. This approval cycle stems from a lack of independence, feeling unlovable, and self-neglect.  

Avoiding conflict 

Many people with codependency go to great lengths to dodge disagreements, even if it's at the expense of their own needs and desires. Being conflict-averse can lead to passive behavior, repressed feelings, and fear of upsetting the other person. 

Enabling behavior 

People struggling with codependency often enable another person's harmful behavior. This can include irresponsibility, addiction, or other destructive actions. They may cover up their mistakes, bail them out of trouble, or step in to solve their problems. This fosters dependency and prevents the other person from facing real-world consequences.  

Am I codependent? 

Think about how you function in your relationships.  

Do you constantly prioritize others' needs above your own? Does your sense of purpose rely on being indispensable to someone else? These telltale signs of codependent behavior create relationship dynamics where one person enables the other's emotional, physical, or spiritual dependency (often at the cost of their own well-being). 

Codependency can start off subtly and evolve into unhealthy, unbalanced partnerships where one partner feels responsible for solving the other's problems and tending exclusively to the other's needs.  

To recognize codependency in yourself, watch out for these signs:  

• A desire for others to need you: You may constantly try to rescue or support others, even when it's unhealthy for you. This might stem from your persistent need to feel validated and recognized, which you find satisfying and correlate with your own self-worth. 

• Trapped feelings: You feel overwhelmed, helpless, and resentful, but you can't shift your relationship dynamics, take space from the other person, or leave the toxic relationship behind. 

• Frequently deteriorating relationships: Your relationships tend to fall apart. They're predominantly marked by emotional distress, anxiety, and a lack of mutual support and balance. 

What causes codependency? 

Codependency often originates from psychological and emotional factors, such as childhood trauma and difficult past experiences. Understanding the root of your codependency can help you address and overcome it. Here are a few primary causes of codependent behavior patterns: 

• Trauma: Traumatic events like abuse or the loss of a parent can contribute to codependency. Challenging life experiences like these might cultivate insecurity and anxiety, encouraging you to seek control in your relationships. 

• Attachment style: Your early relationships with your parents or caregivers significantly influence how you attach to others as an adult. Insecure and clingy attachment styles can lead to behaviors like emotional avoidance and fear of abandonment, which foster codependence.

• Emotionally taxing situations: Being in dysfunctional relationships can intensify codependent behaviors. This can include dating someone who is narcissistic, abusive, or in active addiction. Feeling responsible for someone else's well-being can lead to overcompensation and self-neglect. 

How to overcome codependency  

Breaking free from codependency is a journey of self-discovery. It's a challenging process where you'll learn how to prioritize your needs, cultivate healthier behaviors, and understand your relationship patterns. To help you get started, here are eight actionable tips:  

1. Reflect on yourself: Identify your codependent behaviors and work on understanding their origins. Ask yourself how these patterns affect your relationships and overall well-being.

2. Establish boundaries: Set and enforce boundaries as part of a healthy relationship. Determining your relationship non-negotiables and communicating these limits to others is crucial for overcoming codependency and maintaining understanding and respect.

3. Practice self-care: Prioritize self-love and self-compassion by engaging in your favorite self-care activities. This is essential for balance and nurtures your physical, mental, and emotional health. 

4. Develop independence: You can nurture self-identity and independence through quality alone time. Engage in your favorite hobbies by yourself or try activities like going to a restaurant or movie solo. This builds confidence, enhances self-reliance, and discourages dependence on others. Spending time alone also allows for deeper self-reflection. 

5. Practice assertive communication: Practice communicating your needs and feelings in a clear, respectful way. Assertive, healthy communication helps reduce misunderstandings. 

6. Consider codependency therapy: Working with a codependency recovery therapist can help you identify, analyze, and heal from codependent behaviors with tailored strategies and support. You can also try couples therapy. 

7. Learn to tolerate discomfort: Change is uncomfortable, but it's also inevitable. Learning to accept the discomfort that comes from change and other everyday life scenarios is part of the process of breaking up with codependency. 

Seek pleasure with Quinn  

Addressing your codependence won't just improve your personal relationships. It will enhance every aspect of your life, including sexual pleasure. Acknowledging the signs of codependency, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care can all contribute to a healthier sex life with your partner and with yourself. 

Developed by entrepreneur Caroline Spiegel, Quinn is a sexual wellness app created by women for the world. It's a sex-positive space for exploring your sexual relationship with yourself and others through audio erotic content from skilled creators. 

To access thousands of audio stories, guided masturbation sessions, and playlists, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.