Ah, the mythical ménage à trois — so mythical that some refer to the search for a third partner as “unicorn hunting.”

In reality, arranging your first three-way doesn’t have to be much harder than downloading the right dating apps. But there are some things to keep in mind to ensure everyone’s pleasure is a priority and that you’re all ready for the experience. We’ll walk you through how to have a threesome that all participants enjoy. 

What’s a threesome?

When you hear the word “threesome,” the default image that comes to mind might be one man in bed with two women. But the real definition is much broader: When three people engage in the same sexual activity, it’s a threesome, regardless of the participants’ genders or sexualities.

You might see this gender-specific shorthand used by people looking for a partner, where F stands for “female” and M for “male”:

• FMF or FFM: Two women, one man — the scenario mentioned above is an FFM threesome.

• MFM or MMF: Two men, one woman — the perfect setup for creative sex positions like the Eiffel Tower.

• FFF: Three women — get it, girls!

• MMM: Three men — as delicious as the name suggests.

As the world of kink becomes more gender-inclusive, so does the language. These days, you might see P for “penis-owner” and V for “vagina-owner,” meaning someone looking to mix one penis with two vaginas would call their threesome VPV or PVV.

But as more and more people learn that not everyone allows their genitalia to define them, it’s become more common to describe what you’re looking for with words instead of letters to make space for trans, non-binary, and gender-fluid people to join the fun.

Your first threesome: Are you really ready?

The more people involved in your sexual exploration, the more prepared you need to be. Here are some questions to ask yourself (and your partner, if applicable) before diving in.

Why am I considering a threesome?

Don’t brush off the importance of understanding your “why.” Are you trying to fulfill a personal fantasy? Toying with the idea of an open relationship or polyamory? Looking to bring a lackluster bedroom back to life or succumbing to pressure from a partner who’s bored with monogamy? 

Threesomes can be part of a healthy sex life, but it’s less likely to go well if some or all of the people involved are in it for the wrong reasons. Something like “My husband or wife wants a threesome” isn’t always reason enough to take the leap. But something as simple as “I have the opportunity and I want to take it” is more than valid.

Am I emotionally ready?

Be honest about your (and your partner’s) capacity for jealousy, and reconsider having a threesome if you decide the aftermath will do more harm than good. If you think bringing in a third will fix the problems in your monogamous relationship, you may wind up with more issues than you started with.

Broaching the topic with your partner

Do you fantasize about a threesome with your partner but don’t know how to bring it up? Props to you for doing your homework first — threesomes can be a sensitive subject! If you or your partner struggle with jealousy or insecurity, try to tackle these issues first. 

But if you think they might be open to the idea, ease into the conversation with a more general discussion about sexual fantasies. When the time feels right, express your interest in bringing a third person into the bedroom. No matter how your partner responds, listen to and respect their feelings and boundaries to ensure a strong foundation of trust and understanding.

How to find a threesome

So you’ve weighed the pros and cons, and you’re ready to go for it. Here’s how to find someone for a threesome, either with your partner or to find a couple looking for their so-called unicorn.

Cast a wide net

These are some of the best places to find threesome-friendly partners:

• Dating apps: You might have luck on Tinder, but Feeld, the dating app for “open-minded individuals,” is a favorite for poly people.

• Sex clubs: Why risk striking out at a traditional nightclub when many cities offer clubs tailored to sexual fun? Look online to see if there are any sex clubs available in your area, or ask the clerk at your local sex shop — we promise they won’t judge.

• Other social settings: Sometimes, the best threesomes happen when you least expect it. Be open to organic encounters with friends or acquaintances, but make sure the vibes are right and everyone is excited to hit the proverbial hay.

Find the right partner(s) 

Now that you know where to look, how do you find the right fit? Sexual attraction matters, of course, but here are a few more factors to keep in mind:

• Be honest and communicative: Is your potential partner open to discussing the unsexy side of threesomes? Setting intentions and boundaries beforehand is key, so if they can’t be bothered to communicate, shut it down.

• Make sure the sex is safe: Speaking of unsexy, a sexually transmitted infection (STI) is one souvenir you don’t want to take home. Get on the same page about condoms and contraceptives before you’re in too deep. And remember that penetrative intercourse isn’t the only way to get an STI; unless you’re in an exclusive polyamorous throuple, use condoms for oral sex on penises and dental dams for vaginas.   

• Trust your gut. Hooking up with a stranger can be exciting, but your gut may read people better than your eyes. You can say no at any point in the process, so if things feel off or someone pushes your boundaries, revoke your consent and exit the situation, even if it feels awkward.

• Be respectful. You deserve respect, and so do your partners. If you and your long-term partner find a third who’s down to play, treat them like a person, not a sex toy.

8 tips for a world-rocking threesome

Got a time, place, and two enthusiastic partners? Quinn listeners gave us their tried-and-true tips for making your first time the best it can be.

1. Set boundaries before you start

“Beforehand, I felt better knowing we’d agreed my boyfriend wouldn’t penetrate our third,” says Joelle. “I felt differently once we got going, so we reassessed as a group to set new rules we were all comfortable with.”

2. Talk about fantasies

“I’d always fantasized about pegging a guy, but I didn’t think I’d find someone who was into it,” says Meg. “But we got super honest about our fantasies over drinks, and one of the two men I was making plans with said he’d always wondered what it was like. It wound up being really hot for both of us.”

3. Establish a safe word

“We always pick a word that would never come up naturally during sex,” says Miles. “Knowing I can say ‘lasagna’ to signal that I want him to stop makes me less nervous to try new things.”

4. Stay open-minded

“Until my breakup, I’d only been with one person who was pretty vanilla,” says Zoë. “I didn’t really know what was possible until I loosened up and let the polyamorous couple I partnered with introduce me to new toys and positions. Zero regrets.”

5. Get a good lube

“Since synthetic products irritate my skin, I bring along my favorite aloe-based lube,” says Sara. “Drying out during penetration kind of ruins the experience, so a good-quality lube is non-negotiable.” 

6. Stay safe

“I never assume my sex partners will remember to buy condoms, but even oral is a no-go without them,” says Reagan. “I bring my own stash so we don’t have to make a last-minute drugstore run.” 

7. Know when to stop

“My favorite partners are the ones who read my body language and stop when they can tell I’m kind of over it,” says Mina. “And I pay attention to their cues, too. We never push the limits if one of us decides we’re done.”

8. Don’t forget the aftercare

“Orgasms are great, but some of the best threesome moments happen when the sex is over,” says Taylor. “We’ve just had this intense physical experience, so we do some gentle kissing and cuddling afterward to bring ourselves back down to earth.” 

Explore your fantasies with Quinn

Ethical porn is one of the best ways to ease into sexual exploration. That’s why we made Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women for the world. If you’re interested in threesomes, bisexual stories, or taboo fantasies, the wide range of erotic content on Quinn is a great place to start.

To access thousands of audio stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.