Whether you've just realized you're WFW or it's been a long time coming, it’s intimidating not to know what to expect from your first queer experience. 

Will there be more foreplay? Less? Will the things you do on your own vulva feel good on someone else? How do you know when she’s had an orgasm? 

There’s no need to overthink — but it's completely normal to be nervous about first-time lesbian sex. With a few tips, you'll be (respectfully) ready and raring to go. 

Is lesbian sex common?

First, let’s define lesbian sex. It doesn’t have to be between two people with two vulvas, because not all women have vulvas! And it doesn’t have to be between people who identify as lesbians, either. Queer, bisexual, and pansexual women all have lesbian sex, too. Some non-binary or genderqueer people might also describe their sex lives as lesbian. But if you’re looking for a simple definition, lesbian sex happens when someone describes their sex as lesbian. 

As for how common it is, it’s sort of hard to quantify. Approximately 7% of the U.S. identifies as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, but you don’t have to be queer to have lesbian sex. People with vulvas who identify as heterosexual have first-time lesbian experiences, too, with 13% saying they've experimented with people of the same gender. Some women say it might even be better than hetero sex because people of the same gender understand their bodies better. And people who identify as lesbians report orgasming 86% of the time, compared to 65% for straight women.

Remember that not all women have vulvas, boobs, or other traditionally female body parts. But for the purpose of this description of lesbian sex, we’re going to talk about vulva-on-vulva sex and how to approach it.

How do lesbians have sex? 

Lesbians have sex just like everybody else — using their body parts to stimulate somebody else’s. Lesbians still enjoy foreplay, mutual pleasure, and orgasm. The only difference is that it’s less likely to include an in-the-flesh penis (though a strap-on might make an appearance). 

The sex acts themselves might look a little or a lot different, but the ideas of connection and stimulation stay the same. When P-in-V isn’t the main event, there are different common ways to pleasure each other, like tribbing, fingering, and playing with toys together. And before you ask, yes, scissoring is a real thing. We’ll go over the specifics below. 

It’s also important to remember that just because you both have vulvas doesn’t mean you have the same likes and dislikes. Some vulva owners prefer a gentler touch, especially when exploring sensitive areas. You might love a little roughness, but that doesn’t mean someone else will. Check in with your partner continually. Being open and honest is vital for a good time. 

Is it what you see in porn?  

Let's get this straight (pun intended): Most mainstream lesbian porn is filmed for the male gaze. Why? Because people who identify as men love it. In 2021, it was PornHub’s second most-viewed category. 

But if you do click on a video or two, what you see likely isn’t realistic. The exaggerated moans, wild positions, and super-long nails (if you know you know) in lesbian porn are, more often than not, for the camera. The sex that real women have together is more diverse, personal, and focused on genuine connection.  

Understand that porn usually isn’t real, and what you see on the screen might not (and often doesn't) mirror real-life experiences. It's essential to approach your first time with an open mind, as free from porn-influenced expectations as possible.

About safe lesbian sex

When you're planning a new sexual experience (or even starting a spontaneous hookup), safety comes first. Like any form of intimacy, lesbian sex comes with unique considerations to ensure everyone involved is healthy and happy. Here’s what to keep in mind:

Communication is key 

Ask your partner what they enjoy and prioritize mutual consent. Keep communication open and adjust what you're doing based on each other's needs, wants, and comfort levels. 

Clear communication isn't just about sex acts themselves but about the expectations surrounding the whole experience, from what you're doing before sex (dinner out? a movie?) to what counts as foreplay. You might also talk about what positions your partner prefers, how much aftercare they need, and if there’s anything in particular they want to try with you. And whether you're seeking a one-night stand or a long-term connection, being upfront about your intentions from the start establishes mutual respect. 

If it’s your first time having lesbian sex, be honest. It’s okay not to know what you’re doing. Even if the person you’re hooking up with is super experienced, they had to start somewhere, too. Begin with a little kissing and go from there.

Keep it hygienic  

Have you heard of the lesbian manicure? Keeping a few of your fingernails short for you-know-what has become a meme, but there’s truth behind it. It might seem minute, but well-manicured and clean fingernails are a big plus when it comes to making fingering comfortable. 

Before getting it on, file away any jagged edges and make sure your nails aren’t too long. This prevents discomfort and potential injury, like scratches, during sex, which no one wants — especially during a first-time experience.  

Prevent STIs and STDs

A common myth about lesbian sex is that you can't transmit an STI, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Even if you're having exclusively vulva-on-vulva sex, transmitting infections is still very much possible. Always stay informed about potential risks and get tested often. Asking your partner the last time they were tested is part of great communication.

Prevent STIs with these tips: 

• Use dental dams, thin squares of latex, or condoms cut in half as a barrier method. This is especially important if you and your partner still need to get tested or if you have any sores or cuts in your mouth or lips. 

• Use a fresh dental dam when you switch from oral sex to vaginal or anal sex or vice versa. 

• Wash your hands before and after sex. 

• Clean sex toys before and after use, and if you’re sharing, use condoms to avoid cross-contamination.  

How to have lesbian sex for the first time: 10 tips  

All kinds of sex are a little nerve-wracking when it’s your first time. Just because you have a vulva and this person has one too doesn’t take that away. 

To make your first time memorable, erotic, and pleasurable, try these tips: 

1. Don't overthink it  

It's natural to feel a bit insecure, but trust your instincts. Thankfully, good sex is as much about intuition as it is about technique, even if you’ve never done it before. Go with the flow and ask if you’re unsure. And remember: All queer experiences are valid. Be gentle with yourself. 

2. Communicate clearly  

Sexual pleasure looks and feels different for everyone. Engage in open dialogue with your partner about what feels excellent, what doesn't, and what your boundaries are. Forget about what society's taught you lesbian sex is "supposed" to look like and do what feels right and what your partner requests. Communication is sexy and necessary for mutual comfort and consent. 

3. Erase preconceptions  

It can be helpful to think of lesbian sex as a continuous pleasure exchange. Try to forget any rigid ideas about what constitutes “sex” to focus on enjoying your partner's erogenous zones and letting them enjoy yours. It doesn't have to look or sound like anything you've seen or heard online or in a movie — in fact, it might not involve penetration at all.

4. Get to know yourself  

When it comes to getting off, masturbation makes perfect. Practice touching yourself to know how to instruct your partner. This type of self-exploration offers valuable insights into what feels good for you.

5. Play it safe 

Use dental dams or latex gloves for oral and manual stimulation if you and your partner haven't been tested, and get complete STI screenings before you toss them.  

6. Ask before you touch  

Approach breast and nipple play based on what your partner prefers. While some people love having their breasts and nipples touched softly, others like having them licked or bitten. Some people prefer you to steer clear, which is why asking permission is essential. This is also a great foreplay method to help you relax. 

7. Master the art of fingering  

When it comes to achieving orgasm, most people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation. Ask your partner how they like their clit to be touched or massaged, and remember that it might take some trial and error to get them there — and that's normal. Work on understanding how the clitoris works and getting familiar with the other parts of the vulva. 

8. Consider penetration carefully  

While penetration can be part of lesbian sex (and often is), always ask your partner for consent. If they're into penetration, start gently with your fingers or a sex toy like a dildo. If your partner likes, explore the G-spot or A-spot to really rock their world.  

9. Learn how to give oral sex  

It may seem intimidating, but oral stimulation is often a big focus of much vulva-on-vulva sex. While there's no need to rush into it, if you find yourself in the position to give it a shot, focus on licking up and down, zeroing in to lick, kiss, or gently suck on the clitoris. Vary your technique and ask for specific feedback from your partner. If they like something, keep going.

10. Orgasms aren't the endgame 

Orgasms are incredible, but they're certainly not the sole measure of a satisfying sexual experience. Some people can't orgasm at all or can't orgasm with a partner, and others need time before they're comfortable enough to let go. Focus on connecting with your partner and let orgasms be a happy bonus if and when they happen. 

Get started with Quinn  

Quinn's lesbian erotica is a fun and sexy way to get in the mood for your first lesbian experience, and you might learn something along the way.  

To access thousands of lesbian sex stories, WLW playlists, and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn audio erotica app for iOS or Android.